When I was little I use to climb up in my dads lap when he was reading something and say “aren’t I prettier than what you’re reading”, hoping he would put it down and pay attention to me(before he passed away). 20 years later I still often feel the urge to do the same thing(slightly less dramatic of course). I find myself watching the man I love pour all of his attention into news, reviews, games, anything really. I watch him staring at a screen thinking if only I could catch his attention the way our depressing world does. What is worse is that it’s not just happening to me, I also have to watch him ignore our children as well. I am gentility of having my phone glued to my hand a lot of the time as well, but I try not to turn my full attention to it or I’ll put it down and focus on them some too. I am in no way free from the addiction to technology that most of us now “suffer” from. It’s simply painful to feel like you have to compete the latest CNN update. I don’t need someone to stop what they’re doing and tell me I’m pretty(although, sure that’s be great too), I just need to feel like I’m connected to someone and not that they are connect to everything in the world except me and our family.
After months of us (mostly me) talking about trying for a baby, we have finally agreed (at the moment) to try. I was happy when my husband told me he was okay with it, but that moment of happiness quickly faded. I have been off birth control for a year now, I’ve gone to countless doctors appointments, 1 surgery, seemingly endless days of pain, lots of heartbreak and a suffering marriage for the whole time. It feels like with us both in agreement we should be starting this new chapter of our lives together, but I’ve already been battling this chapter for a year now, almost completely alone. So much that now I’m almost to heartbroken to continue this battle I’ve been fighting with infertility. I am so tired, crushed and weathered, I really don’t know how much longer I can continue this fight. But what is my other opinions? Giving up, without any chance of having another child… I don’t feel like I can do that either. I almost burst into tears every time I have to talk about it, or my friends ask me any questions about it. Every time I see an expecting mother or a cute little new born baby, I get a stabbing feeling in my chest or a sinking feeling in my stomach. I am so happy for these woman, but my heart hurts. Why can’t it be easier for me? Why do I have to want this baby so bad? I will continue to fight this overwhelming fight for as long as I can, in hopes that at the end of one of these battles I will have my wish granted.
I started work on September 21st, now it’s October 21st and I’ve only had one day off since I started. We spent three weeks working 60 hours or a week to get the store set up for our October 17th opening day. My life has taken some ups and downs throughout. My marriage almost completely fell apart, I felt like a total failure as a parent, I made new friends, I made some enemies, I payed off some debt and I got a lovely new bedtime of 8 pm. Now the norm for me is waking up and 5:15 am to get ready, get my daughter ready, take her to daycare and then head to my job. My husband and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago, which has helped a lot, but we still have a long ways to go. I’m still dealing with my fertility woes. This month I’m trying a more natural way, after last months fertility drug fail. I go back to the doctor on Thursday and I’m helping he’ll have some more suggestion and some help to share. I’m extremely wore out, and my world feels like it’s been turned upside down. If some one has told me a month ago I would be going through everything I just got through, I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction. But I did make it through it by taking one (very long) day at a time, God has gotten me through through this hellashich time, and I’m finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel again. It’s still going to be a long journey I’m sure, but I’ve made it thus far!
I’m still trying to learn how to love my body for what it is, slightly heaver then I’d like, with excess skin and scars in three different places from my three surgeries. I am now a grown woman and a mother, I can no longer hold my body up to the standards I set for myself at 16. I can no longer look at teenagers and wish I looked like them again. There just isn’t any way my body can go back to it’s 18 year old, pre-baby self. I’ve honestly tried to not hate my body, but some days its just to hard to overlook my “flaws”. I was told my doctor when I was pregnant with my daughter, that my body was made just right for carrying babies, but yet it seems now to be the last thing my bodies willing to do. I think about her saying that all the time, those words just replaying over and over again in my head, like some kind of self-induced torture. I know right now isn’t the best time for me to get pregnant, but that still doesn’t stop my heart from aching. I hope that one day this unfruitful body will once again bring new life into this world.
Depression isn’t a made up diseases, in fact it studies show that it affects about 40 million adults. I do believer some people these days use depression and a crutch, yes sadly. Which makes me furious, since I am know of those people that it actually affects their daily life. I know none of us want to get out of bed Monday morning and go to work, but seriously that doesn’t mean you have depression, grow up. My struggles with depression started long before I was an adult. By 15 my struggles had hit an all time high, at which point I was put on a series of medications. None of them worked, they actually made me feel worse and even craziness. Coping with depression as a teenager is extremely hard, there isn’t a lot of medications approved for children under 18. Also most of the time doctor’s chalk it up to you being a teenager with crazy hormones and such. But for me just like with so many others, my depression didn’t vanish the day I turned 18 or 20. I have however found medication that helps, but it doesn’t come without unwanted side effects. The medication makes me fatigued (which yes so does depression itself), my hands go numb, causing me to drop far more things than I should and it also makes me more aggressive (quick to anger), just for starters. But yet others like me are willing to go through and learn to deal with all of these side effects in order to simply feel able to live our lives. I’ve seen it first hand affect family members and friends, I’ve watched it tear apart family and relationships, including ones of my own, and yet some people don’t view it as an actual diseases. Depression is the realist thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Depression thrives on unhappiness, grows on sadness you thought long forgotten. It makes you hate things you love and love things you hate. It makes you unable to truly love like most do. Depression wants you to be left with nothing, so it can completely take hold of your life and thrive in the way the diseases longs to. Depression wants you to be completely alone and have nothing but the longing desire to end your life, so that it has succeeded. Being a Christian I see things probably in a different light then some would. Depression to me is the devils way of bringing you down to his level, where you feel completely alone and only have worldly things to help you cope and deal with this diseases. I think God wants to be that light in your life that makes you feel like things just might be okay, like there is someone there for you, that you are loved. Do I think depression is a real diseases, yes. But I also think the devil is just as real.
Father’s Day, I spent a good amount of time picking out what to get my husband, weighing the opinions so such. I had finally got the items ordered and a card bought 6 days till Father’s Day, now I could just sit back and wait for their day to be over. I never thought this Father’s Day would hit me so hard. Like a ton of bricks when I woke up this morning, pain wailing up in the eyes and my head was pounding with hurt and sadness. I the second I logged onto Facebook I knew it was a horrible idea, picture after picture of everyone with their dad’s at their graduation, wedding or at the birth of their first child. Everyone changes their profile picture to one of them with their dad. I changed mine to as to keep with social media tradition, the difference with mine, what sets me apart from others is, mine was taken when I was about 3 or 4 years old, and my dad was coming out of work and about to get into his car when we had greeted him and the photo had been snapped. While sure their are plenty of women misses their father’s, but in my world everyone still had their dad around as long as their under 40 or so at least. I’m the only one in my (granted small) social circle, to be misses their father. Every picture I scrolled through pinged a little pain through my heart, and you know you can’t stay off Facebook for a whole day, I mean really now. So I laid around most of the day in self pity. I didn’t have a high school graduation, a typical wedding nor did I have my dad at the birth of my daughter. And it kills me it really does. I want all of those things, I want the proud smile of my dad and I received my diploma, or walk my down the aisle arms linked and half smile half crying, or to get to see him hold his first grandchild. I can’t do anything to change the facts, nor can anyone else. I didn’t have a graduation ceremony or party, nor did I have a “real” wedding, I myself took very few photos of people holding my daughter when she was born, because there wasn’t going to be one of the most important people there to celebrate this time with me. I’m no longer going to drive an hour and a half to stand facing a tombstone trying to share my feeling or longing with the ground. Several years ago I would have, I needed to see that place, I needed it to remind me. Now it’s to painful and pointless. I don’t want to bring my daughter to a grave yard and point to the stone and say “well there’s your grandfather”, who wants to bring that unhappiness to anyone. The second saddening part of the day (as if I needed more) is that I can’t really celebrate Father’s Day with my husband of because he isn’t the actual father of my daughter and it only makes me more upset because I don’t know if you ever will be a father to our child. Because we may never have a child together, which sucks. We already have two children together which seems like enough I’m sure. But I still have that desire to share a child with my actual husband like a typical family. Which the sadness if this is really bought on so much by the recent news from my doctor, otherwise it would probably be a further thought in my mind and wouldn’t bother me so much. So to round it all up I wanted to spend the day in the fetal position in a pool of my own tears. But I didn’t, I did let myself drown in self pity for the day. But whatever helps right? Night Night blogger world, may tomorrow me a brighter day.
After a painful couple of weeks I finally got in to see my doctor yesterday. I figured there wasn’t anything they could do, so I wasn’t prepared for a life altering statement from my doctor. The extreme pain I have been suffering from most recently was due to a cyst that had ruptured in one of my ovaries. They did another ultrasound, to have a look around. The ultrasound tech said everything look great for now! And it was time to get serious about having another child! How serious was she? Serious enough that my doctor wants to remove one or both of my ovaries… He would want to remove one of them for now and keep the other in, in case we decide to have another child in the next couple of years. The problem with that is, it would be 80x harder for me to conserve, and there also isn’t a very good chance now (then) one ovary would hold up much longer one it’s own anyways, since for some reason my body likes to battle it’s other opponents out like a good old fashioned game of Risk. He’s recommendation? Got pregnant now! He give me a prescription to try and make it easier for me to conserve, since that’s always been a problem for me. I was game. I never really thought I would only have one child. I’m still somewhat in shock though, I mean I’m 22… But it’s really now or never… The only problem is after returning home and talking to my husband he seems to be siding with never. He thinks we’re in to poor of a financial standing to consider having another child. Which is true, but the way I see it is, if God is going to take this part of my away and is giving us this one last chance, then he will work out our fiances and we’ll get by, the way we have been. My husband doesn’t see it that way, “if God really wanted us to have another child you would already be pregnant” he stated. There doesn’t seem to be a way for me to make my argument any clearer or more convincing to him. I’m heartbroken and he hasn’t tried to say one comforting thing to me. I want us to take this chance we’ve been given. I don’t want to have my reproductive system taken out at 22. I feel lost, confused, heart broken and alone. I know God has a plan for all of this, I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much and be this disappointing.