The Disconnect

When I was little I use to climb up in my dads lap when he was reading something and say “aren’t I prettier than what you’re reading”, hoping he would put it down and pay attention to me(before he passed away). 20 years later I still often feel the urge to do the same thing(slightly less dramatic of course). I find myself watching the man I love pour all of his attention into news, reviews, games, anything really. I watch him staring at a screen thinking if only I could catch his attention the way our depressing world does. What is worse is that it’s not just happening to me, I also have to watch him ignore our children as well. I am gentility of having my phone glued to my hand a lot of the time as well, but I try not to turn my full attention to it or I’ll put it down and focus on them some too. I am in no way free from the addiction to technology that most of us now “suffer” from. It’s simply painful to feel like you have to compete the latest CNN update. I don’t need someone to stop what they’re doing and tell me I’m pretty(although, sure that’s be great too), I just need to feel like I’m connected to someone and not that they are connect to everything in the world except me and our family.

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29 Days Later

I started work on September 21st, now it’s October 21st and I’ve only had one day off since I started. We spent three weeks working 60 hours or a week to get the store set up for our October 17th opening day. My life has taken some ups and downs throughout. My marriage almost completely fell apart, I felt like a total failure as a parent, I made new friends, I made some enemies, I payed off some debt and I got a lovely new bedtime of 8 pm. Now the norm for me is waking up and 5:15 am to get ready, get my daughter ready, take her to daycare and then head to my job. My husband and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago, which has helped a lot, but we still have a long ways to go. I’m still dealing with my fertility woes. This month I’m trying a more natural way, after last months fertility drug fail. I go back to the doctor on Thursday and I’m helping he’ll have some more suggestion and some help to share. I’m extremely wore out, and my world feels like it’s been turned upside down. If some one has told me a month ago I would be going through everything I just got through, I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction. But I did make it through it by taking one (very long) day at a time, God has gotten me through through this hellashich time, and I’m finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel again. It’s still going to be a long journey I’m sure, but I’ve made it thus far!

Home Run or Strike Out? (a lesson in marriage building)

Well folks we’ve been married one year!

We’ve made it through so much, grown so much and have learned so much more about each other(maybe to much).

 

While driving in my car on the way to my (then) future husbands house to meet up with him before the “ceremony”, with my friend/witness following behind me. I prayed. I prayed that God would somehow show me that I wasn’t supposed to marry him before I got there, if that’s what his will was. I hadn’t spent a lot of time praying about whether we should get married or not, if he was the one I was supposed to be tide to for the rest of my life here on earth. I probable should have, but I didn’t. But I did spend my 30 minute car ride there praying, I all of a sudden had an uneasy feeling about the whole marriage thing, had I made the right decision? I’m sure a lot of people would say it was cold feet, but to me it felt more like God was telling me to walk away. After my thirty minutes of pray I arrived at my (then) future husbands house and tried to brush off any feelings of unsureness I had. But I knew from the moment it happened we had chosen the wrong path for our lives. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of failure and frustration. Couldn’t we just be a happily married couple for even a day? It took a couple of months for the sinking feeling in my gut to go away. But even after its passing, we still had an up hill battle to climb. If you want to find the perfect married couple for a why not to get married poster, you would have found them! We were making each other miserable. We didn’t know how to work as a married couple. I was also finding out that maybe I was to young to get married, I longed for my freedom. Also our age diffidence (ten years) showed more as well. It wasn’t either of our faults nor did we know how to fix the problems. This past year has been an adjustment period for the both of us to say the least. At this point things have started to calm down (fingers crossed, knock on wood). If I wasn’t a Christian I probably would have given up and bailed a long time ago, but because of my faith I’ve stuck it out. I’m not staying because I’m a Christian and that’s what they do, stay in a marriage no matter what. I’m staying because I believe God lead us to get married for a reason, and if I left I would mess up God’s plan. I don’t believe he leads anyone to get married just to watch them fail then go their separate ways. On your wedding day you made a promise, one of the biggest promises you can make, which means you need to make it truthfully and wholeheartedly, it’s a promise that’s meant to least for a lifetime, even on days you want to completely give up and run for the nearest train station. If I’m being completely honest I did give up at one point, I stopped investing anymore of myself, because I was so emotionally drained. It took me a month or two to really stop long enough to notice, that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if we split up, if one of us cheated or if we were making each other happy anymore. I just simply went to work and took care of our house and everyone in it, without questions if we were happy. I knew I wasn’t and that if things continued at the rate they were going I would probably be on my way out soon. But then one day it hit me, our marriage wasn’t working because one of it’s team members(our team if two) had dropped out of the game(i.e. our marriage). I know a marriage doesn’t actually work if one team member is playing and the other isn’t, but I also know what you’re never going to win a game if no one is out there on the field playing(I’ve been watching to much baseball). I alone can’t make our marriage completely work, but I know that if I don’t pull my share of the weight the whole thing will come crashing down before us. After my realization I put on my gear and step out onto the field. I don’t think we’re making it to the playoffs anytime soon, but hey we won some games this season. We all need our training seasons when were facing challenges in life. I am very thankful to have some great friends that have been there for me throughout this last year, without them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. I also wouldn’t have made it this far, or anywhere really without God’s constant encouragement and guidance, and if you’re on his side, you’ll always be on the winning team.  

Baby Steps

249558_10150202486757616_5381005_nI have written posts discussing my fertility dilemma or rather the lack of fertility. After receiving the news a couple of months back that I will need to remove one or both of my ovaries I’ve been struggling to deal with its realities at age 22. I have cried, prayed, talked, blogged and drove my husband crazy about it. Considering I had just lost my job and we’re trying to climb our way back out of debt my husband saw this is just about the worst time to try to have a baby, and of course me being the hormonal train wreck I was I totally lost it. I cried and prayed seemly endlessly, I called friends(all who took my side, because girl code) and I continued to talk to my doctor about my options or the lack there of. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having another baby, now don’t get me wrong I love my daughter endlessly, but I also imagined somewhere down the road I would have another child. When that road got washed away and it is now or never the need to fulfill that desire needed to happen. But still my husband stood firm on not “trying”, as much as I did on wanting to try. I know our circumstances aren’t ideal, I also know that are a lot of families who have more children with less then we have, I have been one of those people. My husband and I don’t completely see eye to eye on the importance of family and money, that has caused us to butt heads more than once. When you grow up the way I did you will look at life, love and money differently. I’m not saying its all his problem and I’m right, in the worlds eye I am wrong and I know that. But with my upbringing and through my eye’s I feel differently about finances. It’s simple you live with little, you love a lot. Because in the end you’re brand new car won’t be entering heaven by your side. Now fast forward a month or two and I had a job lined up, so my husband finally agreed to let me go ahead with my fertility medication that would hopefully give us a better shot at conceiving. I was thrilled!! I just thought for sure this medicine was going to work. About a week into the medication trial and I was totally sick! I felt so nauseous, tired and emotional I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t keep my temper from exploding, and was having a freakin’ hot flash every 5 minutes. It was awful, and to top it off the medicine wasn’t working. While spending a Saturday afternoon with my husband he decides to drop the bombshell on me he doesn’t actually want a baby(or at least anytime soon, so in my case never). I didn’t know what to say, I did however want to push him out of my moving car, but orange just isn’t my color. I tried to stay quiet long enough for me to be able to speak calmly and without name calling. I stayed pretty calm for me considering my state of hormonal chaos. We argued, I cried. He went to sleep and I left. I went to stay with friends while I tried to sort our mess. After lots of text messages, I said I would let the baby thing go if that’s what was really going to save our marriage from farther distraction. When I returned home he acted as if nothing happened and I tried my best to as well. Then it hit me, I actually had to let this go, I had to let go of my wants, hopes, motherly feeling and such. How in the heck was I going to do that, I had spent the last couple of months trying to do just that. As I laid in bed that night I prayed over and over again for God to give my peace to let go of this, and the strength to trust that he has a plan. Because really after all I was only trying to make my own plan, and not letting God even try to show me his. The next morning I didn’t feel any different, I went on my day as usual(slow and nauseous still), that following night I prayed before I went to sleep. The next day after I got up and I was doing things around the house I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I could watch any baby commercial, look at anyone’s baby pictures on-line they had upload that day, and I didn’t get a ping of sadness in my heart. When I realized this I almost wanted to cry! God had given me exactly what I needed, what our marriage needed. I have peace, I’m no longer worried or saddened. I know God’s got a plan for my life, and whether that includes 5 baby’s (AHHHH, just kidding) or just my little girl and step-son. Do I think I’ll be a little sad down the road if we’re not able to have another baby at some point, yeah  probably will. But I know God will help me get through it, just as he’s helping me get this obstetrical in my life.

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/08/baby-steps.html

Title or Sentence?

Wife… It is a title that some women spend their childhood dreaming of the day when the title becomes theirs. Others try very hard to avoid. Some don’t spend their precise time worrying about it either way (and good for you!). I didn’t spend my nights lying awake thinking about how much I couldn’t wait until the day I was someone’s wife. But I did think when and if that day ever came I would be very proud of my new title and cherish it along with my husband. Now the reality is, the title seems to hang over my head like a dark cloud from an old cartoon. When you get married at 22 most people don’t seem to respect it quite as much is if I were 27 or so. My husband probably doesn’t have this problem he’s in his thirties. But for me at 22 I get all the jokes and disrespect from people, old boyfriends, younger friends, unmarried friends, family members, co-workers and so on and so on. I get the “You look way to young to be married!”, then their jaw really hits the floor when they find out I have a daughter and a step-son. I’m not really sure why everyone gets a kick out of picking on the young married girl, and it’s not happening only to me. I see lots of other young couples having the same things happen to them. The wife title has become more of a execution.

(Note: I wrote this back in December 2013 and I’ve now found it in the deft) 

Progress for Success

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This past week I have spent most to my time thinking about how unhappy I am with my life right now. I’m to fat, my stepson doesn’t listen to me, my daughter is just about more then I can handle right now, my husband isn’t saying and doing the right things to make me happy. So yesterday I was like this is it, I’ve had enough. I made it to work without having a angry outburst, but once I got there I was just thinking of the right words to text my husband(because I hate face-to-face confrontation with him). I couldn’t come up with something that didn’t sound mean or would be taken the wrong way. At this point my husband and I have talked(me mostly talking of course) about pretty much every problem we have with each other or our relationship by this point. And nothing has changed either way, so what’s the point of bringing up my unhappiness? So I’m driving home and I’m thinking about making my husband coffee before he goes to work, like I did every night until about 2 or 3 weeks ago. But then the thought popped  into my head, the same thought that has been popping up every time over the last few weeks. Why should I do something nice for my husband? I don’t feel like he ever does anything to make me happy or really help me out. I’m not going to reward him, he doesn’t deserve to have nice things done for him, what nice thing has he done for me (my thought process)? I’ve been praying about it off and on whenever I get overwhelmed or angry, so while I’m driving home from work and thinking of all I need to do before I go to bed(coffee making and all), it hits me. What if I just do something nice for him? What if I continued to do nice things for him? I pretty sure he won’t return any favors, but that’s not really the point here. I’ve wanted to leave, I’ve wanted out of this marriage. Honestly I would have left before now if I wasn’t a Christian. Their is a reason God planned for us to be married. I sure as heck don’t know what it is, other then maybe to see how many night I can cry myself to sleep before one eye ball pops out of my head. But he does. So all this pain and unhappiness I’m going through is for a reason. And if I put my all into it and give this marriage everything I have, then and only then maybe God will allow me to be happy one day again. Me being mean, standoffish, angry, hateful, rude and so on isn’t going to fix our marriage, EVER! So I can be nice(I pray), with God’s help. I will have to bite my tongue(so hard it may bleed), and smile my anger away. Every time I fell lonely, God will be there with me. Every time I feel unwanted God will be there to tell me otherwise. Is my attitude going to change over night? Ha probably not, but each day I will make more progress and maybe make my marriage a little more of a success. Much love blogger world!

– Hannah

Time for Some Soul Searching

When young couples get married I believe the reason it doesn’t always work out isn’t the fact that they don’t love each other anymore, I think it’s more the fact that they didn’t get to experience much of, if any of their adult life single. Because sure he boy(now your husband) seemed really cute from across the soccer field, and now you see him every morning spilling your coffee creamer, so the new hunk in your office at work now seems like such a better find. Now this is the same for all couples, young, old, newly wed, well seasoned couples. But the difference is at 20 or so they haven’t really searched, waited, wondered or tried out very many(if any) other relationships. How are they to know that someone else out there isn’t going to make them happy, happier? It will only leave their mind to wonder. Which for a marriage is only fuel to the fire. Now I’m not saying this is the case for every young married couple, please don’t think that, or get discouraged. I’m simply stating what I believe to be the case with some of the young couples today, from what I’ve seen or experienced myself. You’re giving up the ability to have anymore first dates, kisses, lovers and so on, unless you are unfaithful… It’s tough to come to that realization, and I believe that a lot of young couples don’t think about these things before they say I do. Love your spouse or not it’s hard to give up your forever. Be faithful and truthful to your spouse. If you haven’t tied the knot yet and in any way feel like this post is speaking to you, please don’t wait until it’s to late, and cause yourself to undergo a nasty divorce in the long run because you didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that you’re fiancee may not be the only one out there that could swipe you off you’re feet. Because truthfully they probably aren’t, but ask yourself if you truly feel like they are the ONE and ONLY person you do want to kiss, hold, love, wake up to, make love to and forever be your one and only. If the truthful answer is no I would do some serious soul searching for what it is you do want, but do NOT go ahead and marry someone your not completely sure about.

 

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/04/time-for-some-soul-searching.html

 

The 10 Step Program Before Marriage

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Ten things to think about before you say “I Do”. I’m still a “newlywed” myself but here are somethings I’ve learned myself and through other people.

 

1. Religion. Try and have a sit down talk( if you haven’t already) about on another’s religion preferences, because you don’t want to spend every holiday fighting over who’s church you’ll be attending. Even if right now it doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal to you either way. Because if you don’t already have children you might come to realize down the road it really does matter to you.

 

2. Where will you be working and living. Have an open discussion about where you see yourself working in 10 or even 5 years. Which state, town or country you would like raise kids or retire in.

 

3. No small things. If there is any (no matter how small it may seem now) thing that could come between you and you’re future spouse, discuss it now! Don’t wait until it seems relevant. If it could come between the two of you in anyway at any point, trust me it’s relevant now.

 

4. Do you want kids? Yet again this does matter now. If the person you’re madly in love with doesn’t want kids and you do, over time that love may fade. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth, it just may set you free from further heartache down the road.  

 

5. How much money is enough money? Do you see yourself working 40 hours a week or less? Do you see yourself working endless overtime? Do you want to live in a 3 story house, or a two bedroom fixer upper? What does your future spouse see? Because you’ll want to know from the get-go if your spouse may never be there when you get home from work or on the weekends. Or if their going to work 10 hours a week and spend the rest of their time scrap booking. Believe me, it matters. 

 

6. Paying for it. Will either of you still be in, planning on starting or returning to school in the next two years? Does either of you have a “good” about of debt they will be bringing into the marriage? Are either of you still paying car payments? Will you two need to make a pretty big investment in something right after you tie the knot? Getting money talk out of the way as soon as possible is the easiest way to go. It leaves the other partner feeling like they did get hit with a curve ball right after the honey-moon. This is kind of the same thing as number 5, but in different terms. And it seemed relevant to me.

 

7. Does everyone get along (well enough)? It may seem like you can keep everyone at a safe distance now, but in 2 years when you no longer see your friends because they want to throat punch your spouse every time they see him/her it will clearly become a problem. And seeing each others family every holiday means any problems between you and your future spouses family will come out sooner rather then later probably anyways. Sure they’ll wait for you to get down the aisle, but the reception may be another story all together. If you don’t like someone or you feel like they don’t like you, be forthcoming and tell some another now.

 

 

8. They’re beauty is deceiving. You may think that your fiance is the most beautiful/hottest person you ever laid eye on, but five or ten years down the road that might not be the case. Take a good look, I mean a really good look at each other and decide for sure that you could handle them being 20-50 pounds heaver, bold or missing a limb. Beauty is quickly fading unlike you’re marriage certificate. Try not to let your overwhelming love for one another now blind yourself in this decision. And in no way be mean or insulting to one another.

 

 

9. Feelings. Do you still have feelings for ANYONE else? If so I would deal with that elephant in the room now before it ends up crushing you’re marriage. You may think that after you get married the feelings will go away or so on. But guess what? They don’t! They only get worse, because guess what you’re now wanting something you can’t have or know clearly know that you shouldn’t. So if that personal seemed like a prime piece of meat before, they will now seem like the best five-stare prime rib you’ll ever see (worst analogy ever, I know). Don’t try to bury your feelings now, they will only get stronger, and their path a detraction my just completely flatten down your spouse (again terrible analogy).

 

10. Till death do you part. Take a good look back at the relationship you’ve had thus far. Is there any red-flags? Something you chose to ignore? Please take a good hard look at things and be totally sure this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s okay if they’re not, because it’s a lot easier to back out of a wedding, then it is to back out of a marriage (and by that I mean you can’t just back out of a marriage). You’re family and friends will get over it long before you could recover from a painful divorce. 

 

 

I would just like to say good luck and congratulations to all the future newlyweds out there! I’m rooting for you, and may God bless you’re live together!  

 

 

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-10-step-program-before-marriage.html

The “great debate” Christian Addition.

I am neither here criticize nor condemn anyone, I am simply here to share my view of the situation.

 

Since “Gay Marriage” (or as I would refer to it as marriage) I have had several things on my heart, and I feel like I need to be silent most of the time about my opinion, since I am a Christian, other Christians only want you to refer in one way, and that is if your “gay” you hate God and your going to burn in hell. No I wouldn’t never say anything like that to anything or anyone in such a manor. Also I feel l it isn’t my place to say anything, and also I don’t want to start a 2 hour debate on the matter. But with everything talking about it and post non-ending articles on every social media site, with who’s right and who’s wrong, I feel that I as a human being and a Christian I would share how I feel, and what is laid on my heart, so here goes…

 

First Off – There actually are verses in the Bible that talk about homosexuality, but only a few that actually speak anything really directed towards homosexuality. Some people like to say there are a ton of verses in the Bible that directly speak of it and it’s pretty clear the way God views it. Other people say there aren’t really any that speak of it. So in my opinion there are a few (between 5-7 verses, in the entire Bible), and yes I do think God makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t approve of the behave. But here’s the things, he neither approves of adultery and I don’t see people walking around pretesting we gather them all up and go drop them off at Alcatraz to keep them from teaching at our schools or seeing their kissing there sufficient others in public now do we?  

 

Point # 2- God has tough us to love one another, not just the “straight” people, and people who only follow he word well enough we feel like we can accept them into our circle of love..

God to love EVERYONE!

So whether “I”believe what your doing what your doing in the eyes of God is right, no matter what that is, I will try to love you and care for you the best way I can.

 

Point # 3- I’m not trying to hate on other Christian’s or say their all doing something wrong, because I do see so many Christian’s trying their best to love everyone no matter what.

And I’m DEFINITELY not saying everything I believe is right and the only way to go, so get in a single file line behind me and we’ll all go love on some murders. I simply share my view.

The thing is I’m seeing a lot of Christian’s who are only saying and spreading hate, it breaks my heart for anyone to has to hear or feel the hatred that is being passed around in the Christian community.

 

Point # 4- Touching back to the point I made earlier. Homosexuality is like any other sin, but we as humans are constantly sinning, and there’s no way around that. Whether your cheating, stealing, cursing, having pre-marital sex, lying or damning God or other people, it’s all sin, and like I said before no ones telling them (most likely) that their not welcomed in our churches, schools, or homes, are we? No were doing the (Christian) thing to do, and that is to love them, care for them, help me, listen, and try to help them. So why is homosexuality the one breaking point that cases Christian’s to run the other way, and say hateful things behind that backs or to their faces, why are we “straight” folks so much better then anyone else, why are we the “true” Christian’s out there? We as in EVERY single person on this plant sin, so next time you feel like saying something rude or hateful, or doing something mean, think about the last time you sinned, and how ugly God thought that was, and then see who’s the real sinner is here.

 

I believe that is all I have to say. I just couldn’t go any long without sharing how I feel in the middle of this “great debate”.

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