The Disconnect

When I was little I use to climb up in my dads lap when he was reading something and say “aren’t I prettier than what you’re reading”, hoping he would put it down and pay attention to me(before he passed away). 20 years later I still often feel the urge to do the same thing(slightly less dramatic of course). I find myself watching the man I love pour all of his attention into news, reviews, games, anything really. I watch him staring at a screen thinking if only I could catch his attention the way our depressing world does. What is worse is that it’s not just happening to me, I also have to watch him ignore our children as well. I am gentility of having my phone glued to my hand a lot of the time as well, but I try not to turn my full attention to it or I’ll put it down and focus on them some too. I am in no way free from the addiction to technology that most of us now “suffer” from. It’s simply painful to feel like you have to compete the latest CNN update. I don’t need someone to stop what they’re doing and tell me I’m pretty(although, sure that’s be great too), I just need to feel like I’m connected to someone and not that they are connect to everything in the world except me and our family.

29 Days Later

I started work on September 21st, now it’s October 21st and I’ve only had one day off since I started. We spent three weeks working 60 hours or a week to get the store set up for our October 17th opening day. My life has taken some ups and downs throughout. My marriage almost completely fell apart, I felt like a total failure as a parent, I made new friends, I made some enemies, I payed off some debt and I got a lovely new bedtime of 8 pm. Now the norm for me is waking up and 5:15 am to get ready, get my daughter ready, take her to daycare and then head to my job. My husband and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago, which has helped a lot, but we still have a long ways to go. I’m still dealing with my fertility woes. This month I’m trying a more natural way, after last months fertility drug fail. I go back to the doctor on Thursday and I’m helping he’ll have some more suggestion and some help to share. I’m extremely wore out, and my world feels like it’s been turned upside down. If some one has told me a month ago I would be going through everything I just got through, I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction. But I did make it through it by taking one (very long) day at a time, God has gotten me through through this hellashich time, and I’m finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel again. It’s still going to be a long journey I’m sure, but I’ve made it thus far!

Home Run or Strike Out? (a lesson in marriage building)

Well folks we’ve been married one year!

We’ve made it through so much, grown so much and have learned so much more about each other(maybe to much).

 

While driving in my car on the way to my (then) future husbands house to meet up with him before the “ceremony”, with my friend/witness following behind me. I prayed. I prayed that God would somehow show me that I wasn’t supposed to marry him before I got there, if that’s what his will was. I hadn’t spent a lot of time praying about whether we should get married or not, if he was the one I was supposed to be tide to for the rest of my life here on earth. I probable should have, but I didn’t. But I did spend my 30 minute car ride there praying, I all of a sudden had an uneasy feeling about the whole marriage thing, had I made the right decision? I’m sure a lot of people would say it was cold feet, but to me it felt more like God was telling me to walk away. After my thirty minutes of pray I arrived at my (then) future husbands house and tried to brush off any feelings of unsureness I had. But I knew from the moment it happened we had chosen the wrong path for our lives. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of failure and frustration. Couldn’t we just be a happily married couple for even a day? It took a couple of months for the sinking feeling in my gut to go away. But even after its passing, we still had an up hill battle to climb. If you want to find the perfect married couple for a why not to get married poster, you would have found them! We were making each other miserable. We didn’t know how to work as a married couple. I was also finding out that maybe I was to young to get married, I longed for my freedom. Also our age diffidence (ten years) showed more as well. It wasn’t either of our faults nor did we know how to fix the problems. This past year has been an adjustment period for the both of us to say the least. At this point things have started to calm down (fingers crossed, knock on wood). If I wasn’t a Christian I probably would have given up and bailed a long time ago, but because of my faith I’ve stuck it out. I’m not staying because I’m a Christian and that’s what they do, stay in a marriage no matter what. I’m staying because I believe God lead us to get married for a reason, and if I left I would mess up God’s plan. I don’t believe he leads anyone to get married just to watch them fail then go their separate ways. On your wedding day you made a promise, one of the biggest promises you can make, which means you need to make it truthfully and wholeheartedly, it’s a promise that’s meant to least for a lifetime, even on days you want to completely give up and run for the nearest train station. If I’m being completely honest I did give up at one point, I stopped investing anymore of myself, because I was so emotionally drained. It took me a month or two to really stop long enough to notice, that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if we split up, if one of us cheated or if we were making each other happy anymore. I just simply went to work and took care of our house and everyone in it, without questions if we were happy. I knew I wasn’t and that if things continued at the rate they were going I would probably be on my way out soon. But then one day it hit me, our marriage wasn’t working because one of it’s team members(our team if two) had dropped out of the game(i.e. our marriage). I know a marriage doesn’t actually work if one team member is playing and the other isn’t, but I also know what you’re never going to win a game if no one is out there on the field playing(I’ve been watching to much baseball). I alone can’t make our marriage completely work, but I know that if I don’t pull my share of the weight the whole thing will come crashing down before us. After my realization I put on my gear and step out onto the field. I don’t think we’re making it to the playoffs anytime soon, but hey we won some games this season. We all need our training seasons when were facing challenges in life. I am very thankful to have some great friends that have been there for me throughout this last year, without them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. I also wouldn’t have made it this far, or anywhere really without God’s constant encouragement and guidance, and if you’re on his side, you’ll always be on the winning team.  

Baby Steps

249558_10150202486757616_5381005_nI have written posts discussing my fertility dilemma or rather the lack of fertility. After receiving the news a couple of months back that I will need to remove one or both of my ovaries I’ve been struggling to deal with its realities at age 22. I have cried, prayed, talked, blogged and drove my husband crazy about it. Considering I had just lost my job and we’re trying to climb our way back out of debt my husband saw this is just about the worst time to try to have a baby, and of course me being the hormonal train wreck I was I totally lost it. I cried and prayed seemly endlessly, I called friends(all who took my side, because girl code) and I continued to talk to my doctor about my options or the lack there of. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having another baby, now don’t get me wrong I love my daughter endlessly, but I also imagined somewhere down the road I would have another child. When that road got washed away and it is now or never the need to fulfill that desire needed to happen. But still my husband stood firm on not “trying”, as much as I did on wanting to try. I know our circumstances aren’t ideal, I also know that are a lot of families who have more children with less then we have, I have been one of those people. My husband and I don’t completely see eye to eye on the importance of family and money, that has caused us to butt heads more than once. When you grow up the way I did you will look at life, love and money differently. I’m not saying its all his problem and I’m right, in the worlds eye I am wrong and I know that. But with my upbringing and through my eye’s I feel differently about finances. It’s simple you live with little, you love a lot. Because in the end you’re brand new car won’t be entering heaven by your side. Now fast forward a month or two and I had a job lined up, so my husband finally agreed to let me go ahead with my fertility medication that would hopefully give us a better shot at conceiving. I was thrilled!! I just thought for sure this medicine was going to work. About a week into the medication trial and I was totally sick! I felt so nauseous, tired and emotional I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t keep my temper from exploding, and was having a freakin’ hot flash every 5 minutes. It was awful, and to top it off the medicine wasn’t working. While spending a Saturday afternoon with my husband he decides to drop the bombshell on me he doesn’t actually want a baby(or at least anytime soon, so in my case never). I didn’t know what to say, I did however want to push him out of my moving car, but orange just isn’t my color. I tried to stay quiet long enough for me to be able to speak calmly and without name calling. I stayed pretty calm for me considering my state of hormonal chaos. We argued, I cried. He went to sleep and I left. I went to stay with friends while I tried to sort our mess. After lots of text messages, I said I would let the baby thing go if that’s what was really going to save our marriage from farther distraction. When I returned home he acted as if nothing happened and I tried my best to as well. Then it hit me, I actually had to let this go, I had to let go of my wants, hopes, motherly feeling and such. How in the heck was I going to do that, I had spent the last couple of months trying to do just that. As I laid in bed that night I prayed over and over again for God to give my peace to let go of this, and the strength to trust that he has a plan. Because really after all I was only trying to make my own plan, and not letting God even try to show me his. The next morning I didn’t feel any different, I went on my day as usual(slow and nauseous still), that following night I prayed before I went to sleep. The next day after I got up and I was doing things around the house I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I could watch any baby commercial, look at anyone’s baby pictures on-line they had upload that day, and I didn’t get a ping of sadness in my heart. When I realized this I almost wanted to cry! God had given me exactly what I needed, what our marriage needed. I have peace, I’m no longer worried or saddened. I know God’s got a plan for my life, and whether that includes 5 baby’s (AHHHH, just kidding) or just my little girl and step-son. Do I think I’ll be a little sad down the road if we’re not able to have another baby at some point, yeah  probably will. But I know God will help me get through it, just as he’s helping me get this obstetrical in my life.

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/08/baby-steps.html

Title or Sentence?

Wife… It is a title that some women spend their childhood dreaming of the day when the title becomes theirs. Others try very hard to avoid. Some don’t spend their precise time worrying about it either way (and good for you!). I didn’t spend my nights lying awake thinking about how much I couldn’t wait until the day I was someone’s wife. But I did think when and if that day ever came I would be very proud of my new title and cherish it along with my husband. Now the reality is, the title seems to hang over my head like a dark cloud from an old cartoon. When you get married at 22 most people don’t seem to respect it quite as much is if I were 27 or so. My husband probably doesn’t have this problem he’s in his thirties. But for me at 22 I get all the jokes and disrespect from people, old boyfriends, younger friends, unmarried friends, family members, co-workers and so on and so on. I get the “You look way to young to be married!”, then their jaw really hits the floor when they find out I have a daughter and a step-son. I’m not really sure why everyone gets a kick out of picking on the young married girl, and it’s not happening only to me. I see lots of other young couples having the same things happen to them. The wife title has become more of a execution.

(Note: I wrote this back in December 2013 and I’ve now found it in the deft) 

Progress for Success

Image

This past week I have spent most to my time thinking about how unhappy I am with my life right now. I’m to fat, my stepson doesn’t listen to me, my daughter is just about more then I can handle right now, my husband isn’t saying and doing the right things to make me happy. So yesterday I was like this is it, I’ve had enough. I made it to work without having a angry outburst, but once I got there I was just thinking of the right words to text my husband(because I hate face-to-face confrontation with him). I couldn’t come up with something that didn’t sound mean or would be taken the wrong way. At this point my husband and I have talked(me mostly talking of course) about pretty much every problem we have with each other or our relationship by this point. And nothing has changed either way, so what’s the point of bringing up my unhappiness? So I’m driving home and I’m thinking about making my husband coffee before he goes to work, like I did every night until about 2 or 3 weeks ago. But then the thought popped  into my head, the same thought that has been popping up every time over the last few weeks. Why should I do something nice for my husband? I don’t feel like he ever does anything to make me happy or really help me out. I’m not going to reward him, he doesn’t deserve to have nice things done for him, what nice thing has he done for me (my thought process)? I’ve been praying about it off and on whenever I get overwhelmed or angry, so while I’m driving home from work and thinking of all I need to do before I go to bed(coffee making and all), it hits me. What if I just do something nice for him? What if I continued to do nice things for him? I pretty sure he won’t return any favors, but that’s not really the point here. I’ve wanted to leave, I’ve wanted out of this marriage. Honestly I would have left before now if I wasn’t a Christian. Their is a reason God planned for us to be married. I sure as heck don’t know what it is, other then maybe to see how many night I can cry myself to sleep before one eye ball pops out of my head. But he does. So all this pain and unhappiness I’m going through is for a reason. And if I put my all into it and give this marriage everything I have, then and only then maybe God will allow me to be happy one day again. Me being mean, standoffish, angry, hateful, rude and so on isn’t going to fix our marriage, EVER! So I can be nice(I pray), with God’s help. I will have to bite my tongue(so hard it may bleed), and smile my anger away. Every time I fell lonely, God will be there with me. Every time I feel unwanted God will be there to tell me otherwise. Is my attitude going to change over night? Ha probably not, but each day I will make more progress and maybe make my marriage a little more of a success. Much love blogger world!

– Hannah

Time for Some Soul Searching

When young couples get married I believe the reason it doesn’t always work out isn’t the fact that they don’t love each other anymore, I think it’s more the fact that they didn’t get to experience much of, if any of their adult life single. Because sure he boy(now your husband) seemed really cute from across the soccer field, and now you see him every morning spilling your coffee creamer, so the new hunk in your office at work now seems like such a better find. Now this is the same for all couples, young, old, newly wed, well seasoned couples. But the difference is at 20 or so they haven’t really searched, waited, wondered or tried out very many(if any) other relationships. How are they to know that someone else out there isn’t going to make them happy, happier? It will only leave their mind to wonder. Which for a marriage is only fuel to the fire. Now I’m not saying this is the case for every young married couple, please don’t think that, or get discouraged. I’m simply stating what I believe to be the case with some of the young couples today, from what I’ve seen or experienced myself. You’re giving up the ability to have anymore first dates, kisses, lovers and so on, unless you are unfaithful… It’s tough to come to that realization, and I believe that a lot of young couples don’t think about these things before they say I do. Love your spouse or not it’s hard to give up your forever. Be faithful and truthful to your spouse. If you haven’t tied the knot yet and in any way feel like this post is speaking to you, please don’t wait until it’s to late, and cause yourself to undergo a nasty divorce in the long run because you didn’t want to come to terms with the fact that you’re fiancee may not be the only one out there that could swipe you off you’re feet. Because truthfully they probably aren’t, but ask yourself if you truly feel like they are the ONE and ONLY person you do want to kiss, hold, love, wake up to, make love to and forever be your one and only. If the truthful answer is no I would do some serious soul searching for what it is you do want, but do NOT go ahead and marry someone your not completely sure about.

 

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/04/time-for-some-soul-searching.html