Have you ever thought “why did I just do that?”. I’m sure you have, many times. But imagine having that feeling for several years. Image how lost you’d feel. Image how hard it would be to make/keep friends or be in a relationship. Image trying to love someone but then forgetting how to love. Image trying to raise your kids a certain way but then forget why you wanted too. This has been me for years now. I look back at different time throughout my adult life and not even know what I was thinking, nor can I remember how I felt. Now I know everyone forgets things and we all make mistakes, but it goes far deeper than that for me. When I was 16 I started my first anti-depressant, I almost immediately felt far worse. I returned to my doctor, she then of course told me it take several weeks for your body to really get use to it. Weeks of feeling like that? No, thank you. I stopped taking the medication(it wasn’t one that can have severe harmful effects when stopping it). I returned to the doctor several weeks later, at which point the doctor practically yelled at me upon finding out that I had stopped the medication. She also refused to try any other medications until I gave that one another chance. She didn’t believe me nor seemed to care that I felt completely unable to function on that medication. I never went back to see her, which meant for over a year I went not medicated. Which was tough but I didn’t really understand my feelings or moods. Somewhere late in my 17th year I once again began a search for a doctor and possibly a new medication. I found a doctor really seemed to care but sadly she wasn’t super knowledgeable with depression medications let alone how to help me. She tried, I ended up on a medication that made me have random thoughts about wanting to die. For example if I was driving I’d start thinking maybe I should just drive straight into a tree or ditch. I would realize that what I was thinking was off, but couldn’t stop the thoughts. So I went back to the doctor and she told me to stop taking the medication immediately, and she thought I needed to see someone who specialized more in that area. I didn’t find anyone at that point, which meant I went about 6 months or so off medication completely. A few months after I turned 18 I was hit with an extreme a lot of anxiety. I had gotten really sick and ended up in the ER. The doctor there ignored me when I tried to explain that my had heart problems and it wasn’t an anxiety attack that has also caused my heart rate to go sky-high. I let him convince me that maybe it was an anxiety attack so I took the medication he prescribed for anxiety. Fast forward maybe 2 or 3 days and I was already beginning to completely lose control of my own thoughts. I was hit with so much anxiety and fear I would ask my mom(I was living back at home at this point) to lay in my bed with me so I could sleep for a bit, because I was too scarred to be in a room alone to sleep. I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t drive. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to shower. I didn’t want to move. Every single minute of every single day I spent completely terrified to even be alive. I finally got into see someone(45 mins away) that seemed far more able to help me. They took my off my current medication at the time and changed them to something totally different. It didn’t take to long to realize they were helping. It took a few weeks for me to get back to myself(whoever that is). But over the next couple of months I felt better than I had in years. About 5 months later I found out I was pregnant and the medication I was on was extreme dangerous to a fetus. Therefore I had to stop talking it at once. I felt okay for several months, but towards the end of my pregnancy I started getting really fearful again and didn’t want to be around anyone. After the birth of my first daughter postpartum depression hit me like a fright train. I had no idea what was happening. I didn’t understand my emotions at all. I was 19, I didn’t know how to seek help or how to explain how I was feeling. When my doctor was 4 or 5 months old I went back to the doctor and get back on the medication I had been on before I got pregnant. I started feeling human again and was able to start enjoying life again. I did mostly okay for the next 2 years or so. Then I lost my insurance which meant I couldn’t afford to go to the doctor for more refills or pay for the medication. I had also gotten married shortly after this. I honestly can’t tell you much about myself during that time, I remember what was going on but not really anything about me specifically. I had spent two years on that medication and suddenly I no longer had it. I wasn’t sure how to process what I was thinking or feeling. In many ways I felt just as I did after I had my daughter. I knew I wasn’t in the right head space but I couldn’t pull myself away from the ledge I was on. I spent about 2 months total off medication. It took me awhile to find my grounding again, but slowly I thought I was feelings better. The end of summer in 2014 I was starting to realize I didn’t really recognize myself anymore, but I wasn’t sure how to fix it. I think I was more in denial of how different I was acting. I knew it wasn’t me, but at the same time I didn’t. I spent the next 2 years getting further and further away from the me I once was. I would do or say things and for a moment I would realize how strange I was acting, but it was only for a moment and I’d go right back to what I was doing. How do you not even know yourself? Why did no one listen when I tried to explain my confusion? If I started feeling odd on one medication they’d just give me another medication to take with the one I was on. That’s like throwing trash on top of trash and hoping it turns into a unicorn. No doctor I ever went to pondered the thought of why nothing ever worked well for me for longer than about 2 seconds. I will say that when I was younger I didn’t always fully go into how I was feeling because I felt like they’d either be shocked or they’d think I was lying, if I told them how bad I really felt. But as I’ve gotten older I now try to fully go into detail about what I’m feeling and still no one seemed to take me seriously. I come from a family with history of depression and anxiety, I lost a parent at a young age, I dealt with verbal abuse, I have now gone through postpartum twice. All of these factors have given them what they thought were good enough reasons to dismiss what or how I feel. Honestly I can’t remember a time that I didn’t feel this way. I can actually remember being about six years old(before any of those things had happened) and being so anxious I couldn’t sleep or I didn’t want to leave our house because I worried of all the different things that might happen. But how to you tell someone your anxiety was already that bad at 6 years old? You don’t. Because they will either think you are absolutely insane or you’re full of crap. I had to grow up pretty fast to be able to handle my ever-changing life, so by the time I was actually an adult I was already too tired to deal with adulthood. I would’ve probably made better life choices at 15 than I could/did at 20. I was tired. I am tired. I am tired of fighting for myself. I’m tired of not even knowing who “myself” is. Most of 2017 has been me trying to convince myself I don’t actually want to die. It’s an ugly truth. Try to think about how lonely your life starts to become when that’s all you want to do. Image trying to tell the people you love that you just don’t want to live anymore. It took about 10 years to reach this point. 10 years of trying to find help, only to be given things that got me further away from that. I have always felt misunderstood in a world where everyone feels they have the right to be. I’m not going to lie and say it wouldn’t be easier if some just understood. I have found people here and there that can relate to some of my chaos, but no one who really got it. The thought that gets me through rough times is that I think one day I’m going to find someone(maybe more than one) that is at the end of their rope and I am going to be that piece to the puzzle they have missed . I am going to know how they feel and what they’ve gone through. It would’ve made many things far easier for me if I had just one person who got the depth of my struggles. I don’t want to be the mother I am. I don’t want to be the wife I am. I don’t want to be the friend I am. But I am who God made me to be and I know where is a reason for it.
My husband and I have been looking for a different church to attend for awhile now to no avail. We live in the Bible belt and yet finding a church to fit us around here is next to impossible. I’ve visited churches in larger cites and thought almost right off the bat “I could fit in here”, but after trying 50 churches here, and not one seem to fit. Why is this? Why are our church still trying to please the dead? They aren’t changing with the times or trying to develop ways to reach the younger generations. I’m mean sure let’s be fair, there are some that are. But they often struggle to completely break free from their “old ways” and/or are lost in a gray area. I grew up Baptist. We awoke every Sunday morning so early I felt as though I was dying, put on a dress that I hated, tights, dress shoes and a fake smile. We went to Sunday school then attended the main service, then it was lunch, perhaps a nap then right back to church for the evening service, then church again on Wednesday nights. It’s not wonder that when I got to the age where I could decide things for myself I fled from this cycle of advents. I didn’t stop going to church or suddenly start claiming I wasn’t a Christian, I just simply realized that this wasn’t what my Christianity was about. I have never felt closer to God then I have when I’m in my comfy clothes, listening to a songs about God with and actual guitarist and drummer playing the music. I can feel is presents, I can hear the words, I can let my worries fall away and focus on Him. I am drug down by time frames and appearances in most churches, pressure to tithe, hatred towards the LGBT community, political views, desire to be liked and impress others. I am easily detracted and find it really hard to focus on my relationship with God when all these other things are going on. Why can’t we just love? How did we get so far away from God? We aren’t leading the lost to Christ. We are pushing people away and comfirming what they think they know about us. I’m not inviting my “lost” friends to church only to bore them or hear that God hates them. I need a church where I can dress as I please, begins at a time I would already be awake, plays music that I have hear before and that can be played by an actual band, where we don’t give communion all the times, where the “alter call” isn’t 25+ minutes long, where my tithing isn’t spent on a “golden calf” or where the word is spoken not altered or spoken from assumptions made from the bible. We need to try harder. We need find the right leaders and help them succeed in building a church that is for the people, ALL of them. Not one that is for show, pouring out lies and hate. I will end with if anyone has any recommendations please by all means share!
Positivity, something that I don’t usually have a lot of and if I do, it’s definitely not what comes out of my month. I’m just a negative person, it’s just part of my personality. I try really hard sometimes not to be that person, but sadly more times than not it’s the attitude you get from me. I believe it stems from my, let’s say somewhat odd childhood. It was a defense mechanism my brain “learned” at a young age. So here I am 23 years old and spreading my negative glee wherever I go. But recently something odd happened, the kind of thing that would send most people on the road to greater negativity. But for me in the face of great chaos and potential life altering events positivity overcame me. It all began about two weeks ago, I started having contractions and just had an overall feeling something wasn’t quite right, so I had a doctor’s appointment and sure enough I was already 50% thinned out and was having contractions pretty frequently. So I was put on modified bed rest, with another checkup in a week. At that following week’s appointment I was checked again, by then I has also dilated to 1 cm and the contractions had become even more frequent and intense, I was only 27 weeks. So my doctor put me in the hospital for observation. I spent 3 days in our local hospital, then was transferred to a larger hospital about 2 hours away. During which time I was told several different things, first I was to believe I would most likely be delivering our baby girl within a couple of days, which was something very scary to be facing at only 27 weeks. As the days went on their plan was shifting to me staying in the hospital until I did deliver, which they were hoping would be at least a couple of more weeks. I was bed-bound with 6 or 8 cords hooked to me at all times, I wasn’t allowed to eat, I wasn’t sleeping more than maybe 10 minutes at a time. But still I didn’t break. I was almost constantly receiving texts, phone calls, Facebook massages, posts and more from my wonderful friends and family. I never felt alone or that help was out of my reach. I felt/feel beyond blessed to have such a great support system of caring people in my life. But the biggest factor in all of this was God. If I couldn’t sleep I was praying, if I got bad news I starting praying, if I started to feel overwhelmed I started praying. I just felt such an overcoming peace about everything. I was scared and frustrated sure, but I kept a (mostly) positive attitude about everything. Which I must say surprised myself! I kept waiting for this flood of emotions to kick in, a sudden feeling that I couldn’t take anymore, or that I was about to completely lose my mind. But it never happened. So this week as I am able to sit in my own home, with my family, unhooked from wires and cords, still baking my baby girl for another week I continue to feel blessed beyond words!
I started work on September 21st, now it’s October 21st and I’ve only had one day off since I started. We spent three weeks working 60 hours or a week to get the store set up for our October 17th opening day. My life has taken some ups and downs throughout. My marriage almost completely fell apart, I felt like a total failure as a parent, I made new friends, I made some enemies, I payed off some debt and I got a lovely new bedtime of 8 pm. Now the norm for me is waking up and 5:15 am to get ready, get my daughter ready, take her to daycare and then head to my job. My husband and I started marriage counseling a few weeks ago, which has helped a lot, but we still have a long ways to go. I’m still dealing with my fertility woes. This month I’m trying a more natural way, after last months fertility drug fail. I go back to the doctor on Thursday and I’m helping he’ll have some more suggestion and some help to share. I’m extremely wore out, and my world feels like it’s been turned upside down. If some one has told me a month ago I would be going through everything I just got through, I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction. But I did make it through it by taking one (very long) day at a time, God has gotten me through through this hellashich time, and I’m finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel again. It’s still going to be a long journey I’m sure, but I’ve made it thus far!
Depression isn’t a made up diseases, in fact it studies show that it affects about 40 million adults. I do believer some people these days use depression and a crutch, yes sadly. Which makes me furious, since I am know of those people that it actually affects their daily life. I know none of us want to get out of bed Monday morning and go to work, but seriously that doesn’t mean you have depression, grow up. My struggles with depression started long before I was an adult. By 15 my struggles had hit an all time high, at which point I was put on a series of medications. None of them worked, they actually made me feel worse and even craziness. Coping with depression as a teenager is extremely hard, there isn’t a lot of medications approved for children under 18. Also most of the time doctor’s chalk it up to you being a teenager with crazy hormones and such. But for me just like with so many others, my depression didn’t vanish the day I turned 18 or 20. I have however found medication that helps, but it doesn’t come without unwanted side effects. The medication makes me fatigued (which yes so does depression itself), my hands go numb, causing me to drop far more things than I should and it also makes me more aggressive (quick to anger), just for starters. But yet others like me are willing to go through and learn to deal with all of these side effects in order to simply feel able to live our lives. I’ve seen it first hand affect family members and friends, I’ve watched it tear apart family and relationships, including ones of my own, and yet some people don’t view it as an actual diseases. Depression is the realist thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Depression thrives on unhappiness, grows on sadness you thought long forgotten. It makes you hate things you love and love things you hate. It makes you unable to truly love like most do. Depression wants you to be left with nothing, so it can completely take hold of your life and thrive in the way the diseases longs to. Depression wants you to be completely alone and have nothing but the longing desire to end your life, so that it has succeeded. Being a Christian I see things probably in a different light then some would. Depression to me is the devils way of bringing you down to his level, where you feel completely alone and only have worldly things to help you cope and deal with this diseases. I think God wants to be that light in your life that makes you feel like things just might be okay, like there is someone there for you, that you are loved. Do I think depression is a real diseases, yes. But I also think the devil is just as real.
Well folks we’ve been married one year!
We’ve made it through so much, grown so much and have learned so much more about each other(maybe to much).
While driving in my car on the way to my (then) future husbands house to meet up with him before the “ceremony”, with my friend/witness following behind me. I prayed. I prayed that God would somehow show me that I wasn’t supposed to marry him before I got there, if that’s what his will was. I hadn’t spent a lot of time praying about whether we should get married or not, if he was the one I was supposed to be tide to for the rest of my life here on earth. I probable should have, but I didn’t. But I did spend my 30 minute car ride there praying, I all of a sudden had an uneasy feeling about the whole marriage thing, had I made the right decision? I’m sure a lot of people would say it was cold feet, but to me it felt more like God was telling me to walk away. After my thirty minutes of pray I arrived at my (then) future husbands house and tried to brush off any feelings of unsureness I had. But I knew from the moment it happened we had chosen the wrong path for our lives. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of failure and frustration. Couldn’t we just be a happily married couple for even a day? It took a couple of months for the sinking feeling in my gut to go away. But even after its passing, we still had an up hill battle to climb. If you want to find the perfect married couple for a why not to get married poster, you would have found them! We were making each other miserable. We didn’t know how to work as a married couple. I was also finding out that maybe I was to young to get married, I longed for my freedom. Also our age diffidence (ten years) showed more as well. It wasn’t either of our faults nor did we know how to fix the problems. This past year has been an adjustment period for the both of us to say the least. At this point things have started to calm down (fingers crossed, knock on wood). If I wasn’t a Christian I probably would have given up and bailed a long time ago, but because of my faith I’ve stuck it out. I’m not staying because I’m a Christian and that’s what they do, stay in a marriage no matter what. I’m staying because I believe God lead us to get married for a reason, and if I left I would mess up God’s plan. I don’t believe he leads anyone to get married just to watch them fail then go their separate ways. On your wedding day you made a promise, one of the biggest promises you can make, which means you need to make it truthfully and wholeheartedly, it’s a promise that’s meant to least for a lifetime, even on days you want to completely give up and run for the nearest train station. If I’m being completely honest I did give up at one point, I stopped investing anymore of myself, because I was so emotionally drained. It took me a month or two to really stop long enough to notice, that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if we split up, if one of us cheated or if we were making each other happy anymore. I just simply went to work and took care of our house and everyone in it, without questions if we were happy. I knew I wasn’t and that if things continued at the rate they were going I would probably be on my way out soon. But then one day it hit me, our marriage wasn’t working because one of it’s team members(our team if two) had dropped out of the game(i.e. our marriage). I know a marriage doesn’t actually work if one team member is playing and the other isn’t, but I also know what you’re never going to win a game if no one is out there on the field playing(I’ve been watching to much baseball). I alone can’t make our marriage completely work, but I know that if I don’t pull my share of the weight the whole thing will come crashing down before us. After my realization I put on my gear and step out onto the field. I don’t think we’re making it to the playoffs anytime soon, but hey we won some games this season. We all need our training seasons when were facing challenges in life. I am very thankful to have some great friends that have been there for me throughout this last year, without them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. I also wouldn’t have made it this far, or anywhere really without God’s constant encouragement and guidance, and if you’re on his side, you’ll always be on the winning team.
I have written posts discussing my fertility dilemma or rather the lack of fertility. After receiving the news a couple of months back that I will need to remove one or both of my ovaries I’ve been struggling to deal with its realities at age 22. I have cried, prayed, talked, blogged and drove my husband crazy about it. Considering I had just lost my job and we’re trying to climb our way back out of debt my husband saw this is just about the worst time to try to have a baby, and of course me being the hormonal train wreck I was I totally lost it. I cried and prayed seemly endlessly, I called friends(all who took my side, because girl code) and I continued to talk to my doctor about my options or the lack there of. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having another baby, now don’t get me wrong I love my daughter endlessly, but I also imagined somewhere down the road I would have another child. When that road got washed away and it is now or never the need to fulfill that desire needed to happen. But still my husband stood firm on not “trying”, as much as I did on wanting to try. I know our circumstances aren’t ideal, I also know that are a lot of families who have more children with less then we have, I have been one of those people. My husband and I don’t completely see eye to eye on the importance of family and money, that has caused us to butt heads more than once. When you grow up the way I did you will look at life, love and money differently. I’m not saying its all his problem and I’m right, in the worlds eye I am wrong and I know that. But with my upbringing and through my eye’s I feel differently about finances. It’s simple you live with little, you love a lot. Because in the end you’re brand new car won’t be entering heaven by your side. Now fast forward a month or two and I had a job lined up, so my husband finally agreed to let me go ahead with my fertility medication that would hopefully give us a better shot at conceiving. I was thrilled!! I just thought for sure this medicine was going to work. About a week into the medication trial and I was totally sick! I felt so nauseous, tired and emotional I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t keep my temper from exploding, and was having a freakin’ hot flash every 5 minutes. It was awful, and to top it off the medicine wasn’t working. While spending a Saturday afternoon with my husband he decides to drop the bombshell on me he doesn’t actually want a baby(or at least anytime soon, so in my case never). I didn’t know what to say, I did however want to push him out of my moving car, but orange just isn’t my color. I tried to stay quiet long enough for me to be able to speak calmly and without name calling. I stayed pretty calm for me considering my state of hormonal chaos. We argued, I cried. He went to sleep and I left. I went to stay with friends while I tried to sort our mess. After lots of text messages, I said I would let the baby thing go if that’s what was really going to save our marriage from farther distraction. When I returned home he acted as if nothing happened and I tried my best to as well. Then it hit me, I actually had to let this go, I had to let go of my wants, hopes, motherly feeling and such. How in the heck was I going to do that, I had spent the last couple of months trying to do just that. As I laid in bed that night I prayed over and over again for God to give my peace to let go of this, and the strength to trust that he has a plan. Because really after all I was only trying to make my own plan, and not letting God even try to show me his. The next morning I didn’t feel any different, I went on my day as usual(slow and nauseous still), that following night I prayed before I went to sleep. The next day after I got up and I was doing things around the house I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I could watch any baby commercial, look at anyone’s baby pictures on-line they had upload that day, and I didn’t get a ping of sadness in my heart. When I realized this I almost wanted to cry! God had given me exactly what I needed, what our marriage needed. I have peace, I’m no longer worried or saddened. I know God’s got a plan for my life, and whether that includes 5 baby’s (AHHHH, just kidding) or just my little girl and step-son. Do I think I’ll be a little sad down the road if we’re not able to have another baby at some point, yeah probably will. But I know God will help me get through it, just as he’s helping me get this obstetrical in my life.