Do you ever get frustrated when you’re trying to find something in your child’s room but all you seem to be doing is stepping on Lego’s and suckers? Well that was mine room as a child. I hated cleaning anything up. I didn’t care if I couldn’t walk from my door to my bed. I didn’t care that none of my friends could play in my bedroom. My bedroom literally looked like an episode of Hoarder’s Buried Alive. I’ve always look back and think “how did I live like that?” “why didn’t I just clean up?”.Until a few months ago I realized that I don’t think it had anything(well maybe a tad) the fact that I didn’t want to clean. I think I created that “barrier” to help me feel safe. No one could get to me, no one could come into my personal space. As I got a littler older my desire to be able to move around in my room started to out way my fears(or at least level with it). My mom remarried right before I turned 12. He was a total slob. I no longer needed a “junk” barrier between me and the would. I now need a safe place to exist, anyway from the dirty dishes, food cover surfaces and the constant sticky Diet Coke residues. I quickly became OCD about my space. I felt like I needed to somehow prove that I wasn’t anything like this man and that seemed the most obvious way to me at the time. Thankfully several years later we “discarded” the biggest piece of “waste”(I’m not going to call someone trash). But by the time that day came I was already too far gone to turn around. I kept my space and/or home in tip top shape. The only weird thing was I had also began to sink deeper and deeper into my hoarding tendencies. I had kept art projects from high school, anything and everything about my dad, old random things left by family members, old clothes I know longer wore, old makeup, old shoes, random completely pointless paperwork/receipts. I would organize these things and keep them “neat”, but they were also taking up a larger and larger amount of space. When I moved into my first apartment I brought most of those items with me. I finally start downsizing these items a few year ago, but I was still left with a lot at the beginning of 2017. I have spent the last several months going through everything we own. I have thrown away and denoted a TON(I still have quite a bit to actually haul off). I literally feel like a weight has been lifted off me! I feel like I have room to breath and I feel like we’re all more settled. I sadly can’t stop myself from cleaning an organizing. I’m sure most woman what that urge, and I did too. Until now, when about 3 months later I am still cleaning and moving items most of my awake hours. I am tired. But I can’t stop myself. I do feel like I am finally making great strides in terms of where I want us to be. I am still just struggling to find my balance.
Well folks we’ve been married one year!
We’ve made it through so much, grown so much and have learned so much more about each other(maybe to much).
While driving in my car on the way to my (then) future husbands house to meet up with him before the “ceremony”, with my friend/witness following behind me. I prayed. I prayed that God would somehow show me that I wasn’t supposed to marry him before I got there, if that’s what his will was. I hadn’t spent a lot of time praying about whether we should get married or not, if he was the one I was supposed to be tide to for the rest of my life here on earth. I probable should have, but I didn’t. But I did spend my 30 minute car ride there praying, I all of a sudden had an uneasy feeling about the whole marriage thing, had I made the right decision? I’m sure a lot of people would say it was cold feet, but to me it felt more like God was telling me to walk away. After my thirty minutes of pray I arrived at my (then) future husbands house and tried to brush off any feelings of unsureness I had. But I knew from the moment it happened we had chosen the wrong path for our lives. I couldn’t shake off the feeling of failure and frustration. Couldn’t we just be a happily married couple for even a day? It took a couple of months for the sinking feeling in my gut to go away. But even after its passing, we still had an up hill battle to climb. If you want to find the perfect married couple for a why not to get married poster, you would have found them! We were making each other miserable. We didn’t know how to work as a married couple. I was also finding out that maybe I was to young to get married, I longed for my freedom. Also our age diffidence (ten years) showed more as well. It wasn’t either of our faults nor did we know how to fix the problems. This past year has been an adjustment period for the both of us to say the least. At this point things have started to calm down (fingers crossed, knock on wood). If I wasn’t a Christian I probably would have given up and bailed a long time ago, but because of my faith I’ve stuck it out. I’m not staying because I’m a Christian and that’s what they do, stay in a marriage no matter what. I’m staying because I believe God lead us to get married for a reason, and if I left I would mess up God’s plan. I don’t believe he leads anyone to get married just to watch them fail then go their separate ways. On your wedding day you made a promise, one of the biggest promises you can make, which means you need to make it truthfully and wholeheartedly, it’s a promise that’s meant to least for a lifetime, even on days you want to completely give up and run for the nearest train station. If I’m being completely honest I did give up at one point, I stopped investing anymore of myself, because I was so emotionally drained. It took me a month or two to really stop long enough to notice, that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if we split up, if one of us cheated or if we were making each other happy anymore. I just simply went to work and took care of our house and everyone in it, without questions if we were happy. I knew I wasn’t and that if things continued at the rate they were going I would probably be on my way out soon. But then one day it hit me, our marriage wasn’t working because one of it’s team members(our team if two) had dropped out of the game(i.e. our marriage). I know a marriage doesn’t actually work if one team member is playing and the other isn’t, but I also know what you’re never going to win a game if no one is out there on the field playing(I’ve been watching to much baseball). I alone can’t make our marriage completely work, but I know that if I don’t pull my share of the weight the whole thing will come crashing down before us. After my realization I put on my gear and step out onto the field. I don’t think we’re making it to the playoffs anytime soon, but hey we won some games this season. We all need our training seasons when were facing challenges in life. I am very thankful to have some great friends that have been there for me throughout this last year, without them I probably wouldn’t have made it this far. I also wouldn’t have made it this far, or anywhere really without God’s constant encouragement and guidance, and if you’re on his side, you’ll always be on the winning team.
Today is my daughters first day of daycare. I had enrolled her in daycare about a week last October, when then my husband changed jobs, so I started working night shift and on the weekends in order to save on childcare cost and worrying on my part. The first day I sent her last year I bawled my eyes out and was completely beside myself. This time I’ve decided to take a different out look, a brighter one. I started her a week or two early(depending on my work situation) as a trail run to see how she’s going to handle being there everyday and if she’ll like it there, and if she doesn’t it will give me a little time to sort that out. Where as last year I had to find a daycare very last minute and I wasn’t very fond of it. The lady’s working at her current daycare seem really nice, which helps. This time in between is also giving me sometime to work on some projects I’ve needed or wanted to do all summer, but haven’t had the chance. I’m trying to stay positive and take it one day at a time.
I have written posts discussing my fertility dilemma or rather the lack of fertility. After receiving the news a couple of months back that I will need to remove one or both of my ovaries I’ve been struggling to deal with its realities at age 22. I have cried, prayed, talked, blogged and drove my husband crazy about it. Considering I had just lost my job and we’re trying to climb our way back out of debt my husband saw this is just about the worst time to try to have a baby, and of course me being the hormonal train wreck I was I totally lost it. I cried and prayed seemly endlessly, I called friends(all who took my side, because girl code) and I continued to talk to my doctor about my options or the lack there of. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having another baby, now don’t get me wrong I love my daughter endlessly, but I also imagined somewhere down the road I would have another child. When that road got washed away and it is now or never the need to fulfill that desire needed to happen. But still my husband stood firm on not “trying”, as much as I did on wanting to try. I know our circumstances aren’t ideal, I also know that are a lot of families who have more children with less then we have, I have been one of those people. My husband and I don’t completely see eye to eye on the importance of family and money, that has caused us to butt heads more than once. When you grow up the way I did you will look at life, love and money differently. I’m not saying its all his problem and I’m right, in the worlds eye I am wrong and I know that. But with my upbringing and through my eye’s I feel differently about finances. It’s simple you live with little, you love a lot. Because in the end you’re brand new car won’t be entering heaven by your side. Now fast forward a month or two and I had a job lined up, so my husband finally agreed to let me go ahead with my fertility medication that would hopefully give us a better shot at conceiving. I was thrilled!! I just thought for sure this medicine was going to work. About a week into the medication trial and I was totally sick! I felt so nauseous, tired and emotional I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t keep my temper from exploding, and was having a freakin’ hot flash every 5 minutes. It was awful, and to top it off the medicine wasn’t working. While spending a Saturday afternoon with my husband he decides to drop the bombshell on me he doesn’t actually want a baby(or at least anytime soon, so in my case never). I didn’t know what to say, I did however want to push him out of my moving car, but orange just isn’t my color. I tried to stay quiet long enough for me to be able to speak calmly and without name calling. I stayed pretty calm for me considering my state of hormonal chaos. We argued, I cried. He went to sleep and I left. I went to stay with friends while I tried to sort our mess. After lots of text messages, I said I would let the baby thing go if that’s what was really going to save our marriage from farther distraction. When I returned home he acted as if nothing happened and I tried my best to as well. Then it hit me, I actually had to let this go, I had to let go of my wants, hopes, motherly feeling and such. How in the heck was I going to do that, I had spent the last couple of months trying to do just that. As I laid in bed that night I prayed over and over again for God to give my peace to let go of this, and the strength to trust that he has a plan. Because really after all I was only trying to make my own plan, and not letting God even try to show me his. The next morning I didn’t feel any different, I went on my day as usual(slow and nauseous still), that following night I prayed before I went to sleep. The next day after I got up and I was doing things around the house I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I could watch any baby commercial, look at anyone’s baby pictures on-line they had upload that day, and I didn’t get a ping of sadness in my heart. When I realized this I almost wanted to cry! God had given me exactly what I needed, what our marriage needed. I have peace, I’m no longer worried or saddened. I know God’s got a plan for my life, and whether that includes 5 baby’s (AHHHH, just kidding) or just my little girl and step-son. Do I think I’ll be a little sad down the road if we’re not able to have another baby at some point, yeah probably will. But I know God will help me get through it, just as he’s helping me get this obstetrical in my life.
It’s July 24th, which means our county’s school year starts in less than 2 weeks. I printed the supply list for my step-sons’s school, when Googled what my daughter will most likely need for the coming school year as well. I’ve decided to go ahead and home school my daughter through Pre-K this year since she’s only just now really getting into potty training. We’re off to a good start, she already knew her colors, alphabet and can count over ten since last fall, and continues to learn new things everyday. We started doing work books in April (I believe) for Pre-K.
Here’s a list of the items I purchased for her;
1. Safety scissors
2. Water Color’s
3. 10 pack of markers
4. 1 eraser
5. 2 glue sticks
6. Construction paper
7. Color pencils
She doesn’t have a very long attention span, that means we have to space out our learning throughout the day, but we get the job done. I’m hoping our school district will let me enroll her in Kindergarten next year with her only being 4, if not I suppose I’ll be home schooling her through Kindergarten as well, if I can. I would love to continue home schooling her as long as I can, but with me most likely working a full-time job I don’t think it will continue to work out so well as she gets older and needs more learning time.
Here’s is a link to the Pinterest borad I started for some schooling idea’s.