Unfruitful and Self Loathing

I’m still trying to learn how to love my body for what it is, slightly heaver then I’d like, with excess skin and scars in three different places from my three surgeries. I am now a grown woman and a mother, I can no longer hold my body up to the standards I set for myself at 16. I can no longer look at teenagers and wish I looked like them again. There just isn’t any way my body can go back to it’s 18 year old, pre-baby self. I’ve honestly tried to not hate my body, but some days its just to hard to overlook my “flaws”. I was told my doctor when I was pregnant with my daughter, that my body was made just right for carrying babies, but yet it seems now to be the last thing my bodies willing to do. I think about her saying that all the time, those words just replaying over and over again in my head, like some kind of self-induced torture. I know right now isn’t the best time for me to get pregnant, but that still doesn’t stop my heart from aching. I hope that one day this unfruitful body will once again bring new life into this world. 



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