Baby Steps

249558_10150202486757616_5381005_nI have written posts discussing my fertility dilemma or rather the lack of fertility. After receiving the news a couple of months back that I will need to remove one or both of my ovaries I’ve been struggling to deal with its realities at age 22. I have cried, prayed, talked, blogged and drove my husband crazy about it. Considering I had just lost my job and we’re trying to climb our way back out of debt my husband saw this is just about the worst time to try to have a baby, and of course me being the hormonal train wreck I was I totally lost it. I cried and prayed seemly endlessly, I called friends(all who took my side, because girl code) and I continued to talk to my doctor about my options or the lack there of. I just couldn’t handle the thought of not having another baby, now don’t get me wrong I love my daughter endlessly, but I also imagined somewhere down the road I would have another child. When that road got washed away and it is now or never the need to fulfill that desire needed to happen. But still my husband stood firm on not “trying”, as much as I did on wanting to try. I know our circumstances aren’t ideal, I also know that are a lot of families who have more children with less then we have, I have been one of those people. My husband and I don’t completely see eye to eye on the importance of family and money, that has caused us to butt heads more than once. When you grow up the way I did you will look at life, love and money differently. I’m not saying its all his problem and I’m right, in the worlds eye I am wrong and I know that. But with my upbringing and through my eye’s I feel differently about finances. It’s simple you live with little, you love a lot. Because in the end you’re brand new car won’t be entering heaven by your side. Now fast forward a month or two and I had a job lined up, so my husband finally agreed to let me go ahead with my fertility medication that would hopefully give us a better shot at conceiving. I was thrilled!! I just thought for sure this medicine was going to work. About a week into the medication trial and I was totally sick! I felt so nauseous, tired and emotional I almost couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t keep my temper from exploding, and was having a freakin’ hot flash every 5 minutes. It was awful, and to top it off the medicine wasn’t working. While spending a Saturday afternoon with my husband he decides to drop the bombshell on me he doesn’t actually want a baby(or at least anytime soon, so in my case never). I didn’t know what to say, I did however want to push him out of my moving car, but orange just isn’t my color. I tried to stay quiet long enough for me to be able to speak calmly and without name calling. I stayed pretty calm for me considering my state of hormonal chaos. We argued, I cried. He went to sleep and I left. I went to stay with friends while I tried to sort our mess. After lots of text messages, I said I would let the baby thing go if that’s what was really going to save our marriage from farther distraction. When I returned home he acted as if nothing happened and I tried my best to as well. Then it hit me, I actually had to let this go, I had to let go of my wants, hopes, motherly feeling and such. How in the heck was I going to do that, I had spent the last couple of months trying to do just that. As I laid in bed that night I prayed over and over again for God to give my peace to let go of this, and the strength to trust that he has a plan. Because really after all I was only trying to make my own plan, and not letting God even try to show me his. The next morning I didn’t feel any different, I went on my day as usual(slow and nauseous still), that following night I prayed before I went to sleep. The next day after I got up and I was doing things around the house I realized I wasn’t upset anymore. I could watch any baby commercial, look at anyone’s baby pictures on-line they had upload that day, and I didn’t get a ping of sadness in my heart. When I realized this I almost wanted to cry! God had given me exactly what I needed, what our marriage needed. I have peace, I’m no longer worried or saddened. I know God’s got a plan for my life, and whether that includes 5 baby’s (AHHHH, just kidding) or just my little girl and step-son. Do I think I’ll be a little sad down the road if we’re not able to have another baby at some point, yeah  probably will. But I know God will help me get through it, just as he’s helping me get this obstetrical in my life.

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/08/baby-steps.html

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