The Final Weigh In

Is there such thing as skinny enough? I don’t think so, in the mind of each and every women out there each one has insecurities, whether they ever say a single word about loud about them or they spend 90% of their day putting themselves down in front of others. My story is no exception, even when I was 90 pounds I felt overweight and was displeased with my body. The birth of my daughter brought on a whole new set of insecurities. I spent a lot of time hating my body for the first couple of months, wondering if everyone thought I was now actually overweight, was I losing my “baby” weight fast enough for them to be pleased. I wanted to beat other moms at the losing baby weight game. I became more pleased with my appearance after I broke things off with my daughters father, I no longer had to cook meals and there wasn’t anyone there to ask me if I had eaten lunch or dinner that day. I was completely free to listen to my body about whether it was dinner time or not. But let me stop you right there if you’re thinking I completely stopped eating and became anorexic, that wasn’t the case. Only a couple of months later and I had gotten all the baby weight off. I felt so free and I let myself start to believe I was beautiful again. But not quite, because of that ever present little voice inside my head telling me my hips were now to big and I had to much excess skin on my stomach. When my daughter turned one that meant she would now be solely eating table food, which meant it was once again to start cooking meals, which meant it was time for me again to face the ugly “food demon” that lurked inside my head. I was then faced with the approaching summer and my fear of looking fat. Whereas at that time my ugly eating disorder crept back into my life. I was dealing with a lot of things that summer, so my mind wanted to hold onto the one thing I could “control”. At the end of the summer I got a new job which shook up my eating schedule and made it harder to “purge” whatever I had eaten for lunch, so slowly the pounds crept back on, nothing to bad, by the end of the year I had maybe put on 5 pounds, then when spring came back around I worked some of those pounds off for summer. After getting married last August I put on a few pounds, then they change the birth-control I made been on and bam I packed on 10 pounds in less than 2 months. I just couldn’t deal with it, I weighed more then I have in my whole life, I was so self conscious, and hated myself. I’ve gone back and forth since then by trying different eating styles and such. But now after all the health issues I’ve gone through this summer I am at the point where I just honestly don’t care anymore, and it feels AMAZING! I eat when I hungry and don’t if I’m not, if I can’t fit in a shirt I wore when I was 17 so what! I’m not as skinny as I would let me to be, but I’m also not near as heavy as I could and have been. My body is going through so much right now, I just letting it tell me what it does and doesn’t need. Someday’s I eat one meal a day, some days I eat 5, if that’s what it’s telling me it needs then so be it. My blood pressure and fertility drug wear me down so much someday’s I need a lot to keep my body running. I look down at my stretchmarks, scares, excess skin and “fat” and I just think whatever, it’s functioning and I’ll take that! Lots of love to all the mommy’s out there, loving there perfect skin their in 🙂

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