Father’s Day/Nightmare

Father’s Day, I spent a good amount of time picking out what to get my husband, weighing the opinions so such. I had finally got the items ordered and a card bought 6 days till Father’s Day, now I could just sit back and wait for their day to be over. I never thought this Father’s Day would hit me so hard. Like a ton of bricks when I woke up this morning, pain wailing up in the eyes and my head was pounding with hurt and sadness. I the second I logged onto Facebook I knew it was a horrible idea, picture after picture of everyone with their dad’s at their graduation, wedding or at the birth of their first child. Everyone changes their profile picture to one of them with their dad. I changed mine to as to keep with social media tradition, the difference with mine, what sets me apart from others is, mine was taken when I was about 3 or 4 years old, and my dad was coming out of work and about to get into his car when we had greeted him and the photo had been snapped. While sure their are plenty of women misses their father’s, but in my world everyone still had their dad around as long as their under 40 or so at least. I’m the only one in my (granted small) social circle, to be misses their father. Every picture I scrolled through pinged a little pain through my heart, and you know you can’t stay off Facebook for a whole day, I mean really now. So I laid around most of the day in self pity. I didn’t have a high school graduation, a typical wedding nor did I have my dad at the birth of my daughter. And it kills me it really does. I want all of those things, I want the proud smile of my dad and I received my diploma, or walk my down the aisle arms linked and half smile half crying, or to get to see him hold his first grandchild. I can’t do anything to change the facts, nor can anyone else. I didn’t have a graduation ceremony or party, nor did I have a “real” wedding, I myself took very few photos of people holding my daughter when she was born, because there wasn’t going to be one of the most important people there to celebrate this time with me. I’m no longer going to drive an hour and a half to stand facing a tombstone trying to share my feeling or longing with the ground. Several years ago I would have, I needed to see that place, I needed it to remind me. Now it’s to painful and pointless. I don’t want to bring my daughter to a grave yard and point to the stone and say “well there’s your grandfather”, who wants to bring that unhappiness to anyone. The second saddening part of the day (as if I needed more) is that I can’t really celebrate Father’s Day with my husband of because he isn’t the actual father of my daughter and it only makes me more upset because I don’t know if you ever will be a father to our child. Because we may never have a child together, which sucks. We already have two children together which seems like enough I’m sure. But I still have that desire to share a child with my actual husband like a typical family. Which the sadness if this is really bought on so much by the recent news from my doctor, otherwise it would probably be a further thought in my mind and wouldn’t bother me so much. So to round it all up I wanted to spend the day in the fetal position in a pool of my own tears. But I didn’t, I did let myself drown in self pity for the day. But whatever helps right? Night Night blogger world, may tomorrow me a brighter day. 

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/06/fathers-daynightmare.html

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