Pain From the Inside Out

At lets say 13 I declared I didn’t want any children, as the years went on I change my mind several times, finally moving up the number to 25, I would probably like to have a child at 25. After becoming pregnant at 18 and having her at 19, I didn’t really think I would ever want to go through another pregnancy again. I definitely didn’t want to have anymore children until I was married(if that ever happened), not being really sure if at all. I start dating this guy when B was about 15 or 16 months old. He wanted to get married really quick into the relationship and start having children right away(we had actually known each other for years, but never dated), I however got the sudden feeling that maybe I in fact didn’t want anymore children at all. I broke things off with him pretty quickly for reasons involving those such things. Now that relationship isn’t really important, but it did help me to realize more of what I did and didn’t want at that time. After meeting my (now)husband we were both pretty clear with each other that either of us really wanted to have anymore children. And I stuck with that feeling until shortly after we got married. While we were having a world of problems in our marriage, I got baby fever… After confessing my feelings about maybe wanting to have another child, he told me he still felt the same way, and didn’t really see him ever wanting another one. He has now flipped flopped his mind back and forth on my now, and where it seems to stand is that he might want to try, IF(and hopefully when) we get into a better financial standing(since we’ve had a few set backs now). My biggest problem here is that, I’m not even sure I could have another child. I’ve been off birth control since the end of October of 2013 and nothing happened. After endless doctor visits, they decided to perform of scope to check for endometriosis, which it turns out I don’t have. What I did have was a(basically) twisted ovary and scare tissue on top of that, most likely due to my C-Section, which was causing me a lot of pain(clearly). They put my ovary back to the way it should be, but now two months later I am still in a lot of pain. I mean gut wrenching, shooting, tear causing pain. I’m still not on birth control and my cycles are still off. Do I think we are in a ideal situation to have a baby right now? No. Do I think a baby right now? Yes. Do I want to have a baby with my husband? I’m not so sure. But what is killing me is, I don’t feel like I’m at all connected to my own body, I don’t understand it at all. It isn’t working right, it can’t do this one things that every other 14 year old girl can do. I’ve always struggled with this problem, and it was a (miracle) I had my daughter in the first place. Who knows if or at what point my body would decided align again, to where I would get pregnant again. I know there are millions of women that struggle with infertility, and I am in no way saying my life is any worse off, in fact I probably have it better than a ton of women. I’m just simply sharing my story here. Every time I a pregnant women, baby, baby clothes or endless things on Pinterest, I get this little ping of hurt through my whole body. It isn’t so much that I want a baby right now, it’s more just the fact that I fear it will never happen again. I know God’s got a plain or worrying, crying, being angry or sad isn’t going to change anything. And if want me to have another child, he will allow it to happen when it’s supposed to. But never the less my sadness grows with each passing month. Much love blogger world.

– Hannah  

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