The Past Made The Present

This time last year I was probably trying to fall asleep, with the sound of the ocean off in the distance. We were in Florida on vacation with my (now) husbands family. I it would have been the closing of day 3 in the sunshine state. I was probably trying to act all cool and normal so his family didn’t think I was the complete weirdo that I am… I spent most of my time so far there telling myself that he wasn’t going to do the cliche thing to do and purpose to me while we were in Florida. The girly side of my had taken over, I was giddy and in love. I would literally give a million dollars to go back to that trip, put myself in that frame of mind I was in, I was so in love(or so I thought). Hannah 2014 Wouldn’t agree to go on a week long trip with her boyfriends family( 2013 Hannah was almost that smart), I wouldn’t spend my precious time worrying or wondering if he was going to purpose( I would be praying he wasn’t going to do so), I wouldn’t say YES!! and have a girly freak out on the beach. Because 2014 Hannah has now gone through more pain then she ever thought would come her way again. 2014 Hannah would try her best to avoid the 6+ months of tears and heartache she has gone through. I would give so much to be that kind of happy again. I thought my life kinda sucked where I was May of 2013, but oh little did I know I would change it all back in a heartbeat only months later. The life lessons I’ve learned over the last 9 months or so, have changed me. I’m no longer bubbly, skinny, confident, happy or loved. I thought I had picked the right guy. He was the one I needed to focus on and give my love and attention to, not the 20 somethings guys that were trying to pull my attention their way. But now I wonder if my life would really be that much worse off if I had let my life go in that detection? I probably wouldn’t once again be battling an eating disorder, I probably would have continued my never crying over anything way of life, versus the always crying in private that I have now became accustomed to. I would probably love myself and my life far more then I do now. But the fact of the matter is I did make the decisions I did. I am at this place in my life that I am. I put myself here. Me and only me. So now I have to do my best to keep my head held high and try and be as happy as I can be, and hope and pray somewhere in the near future I can find happiness both in myself and in my life. 

 

– Much love blogger world.

 

P.S. Sorry for referring to myself in third person so much.

 

http://jaynehaz.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-past-made-present.html

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