Tonight’s Thoughts

Every morning before I get out of bed I contemplate the day ahead of me, I will be better than I was yesterday, I’ve started out with a good attitude and that’s really all I need to make the big difference today. Believe they’re thinking about all the errors and mistakes I made in the previous day and how I can correct them or change the outcomes. I think about how I can be a better mother or better wife, maybe I won’t get angry is easily, maybe I lash out maybe I’ll be kinder, maybe I’ll be wiser, maybe I’ll show my husband the kind of love and support he needs, maybe I’ll show my daughter the kind of woman I want her to grow into. But as soon as I roll out of bed and move onto the next room in the house I’m hit with a negative feelings of dirty laundry and dishes things left undone from yesterday. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach thinking no never mind this day isn’t going to change any from yesterday I was still be cranky, grumpy, moody, angry as all the other days before. So again you tonight before I go to bed I say a prayer before I fall fast asleep, praying that I will have more patients, more love, more understanding, more of myself to give and I’ll be a different better me that I was that day. The truth is I can spend all day filling my head with positive thoughts but the negative ones always seems outweigh. Even though I’m so much to be thankful for, I struggle with the bad outweighing the good every minute of my day. I look in the mirror in see the woman that I’ve become no longer recognize the girl that I used to be. My rest last three years I began to show on my skin, and childbirth shows everywhere else. Maybe I’ll feel better about myself if I can lose 10 pounds of next month, maybe it will make me more outgoing. I’m constantly looking for something to change my way of thinking. Something new and exciting will change my inner her outward appearance and attitude. I can’t truly be loving the other people in my life if I was spending so much time hating myself for who IM. I’m not really insecure I don’t really care if other people think I’m attractive or not. It’s all about what I think, I think I’m too fat, I think I’m too ugly, I don’t like my hair etc. I don’t see other attractive woman and think wow they’re probably looking down on me or such. I frankly care little to nothing about what other people think of me. That should be pretty clear by this point in my life to other people. I just can’t seem to change my thinking of myself. I’ve always been very hard on myself. I probably sometime say too much about some of the things I don’t like about myself to hear other people build me up and overcompensate for what I can give myself. I feel like a terrible mother most days I’m not as patient and understanding and loving as 1000 other moms out there probably are, and I’m sure most mothers don’t think they’re amazing. But for me I feel like I’m constantly failing, and it doesn’t improve, it’s pretty much feels like it just gets worse daily, as my daughter gets older. So I guess then all day taking care of our home our needs such as groceries, laundry, housecleaning, I’m trying my best to get everything done every day. Biette at the end of the day I look at my life and say hey you know I’m not being a very good wife I need to step up my game a little bit. I don’t really feel like I ever get encouragement from anyone, so it’s hard to feel like I have really accomplished anything. I have had some very positive moments this week and I have had some very negative moments this week. All in all I really have no room to complain, his this is not really meant to sound as though I’m complaining. Just simply stating the thoughts that are going through my head. I love my family, and I’m learning to love myself with each passing day. Good night Blogger world.

Jayne’s World

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