And the Scale Says…

I got back into ballet at 14, and since that time I have always been unhappy with my weight. I never really remember worrying much about it before then, since I lost about 15 pounds so no real reason at 13. Since I was at around 86 pounds I didn’t ever have to worry about feeling fat. But at 14 when I put on my skin tight leotard and stood in front of the wall of mirrors at our dance studio two or three days a week I began to dislike my 95 pound body. I began to cut back my food intake, and cut out soft drinks and sweets. As I got older I slowly gained a little weight on, but I mostly always clocked in right at or under 100 pounds. Right before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I weighed the most I ever had at that point at 108. Not that you could really tell I had gained a pound. Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant I dropped 15 pounds. I stayed at 98 pounds until I was 7 months pregnant at which point I weighed in at 102. When I got checked into the hospital I weighed 127 at 8 months pregnant. Right after I had my daughter I weighed in at 114 and stayed there for a few months. Until Bella’s dad and I broke up and I started working my butt of, and got back down to around 100 pounds. I stayed about the same weight until I started working third shift and was eating about 6 meals most days. Then I packed more on right after we got married. I then felt completely out of control with my body, I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore, my face is much fuller and my stomach pooches out far more then I’d wish. I’ve gone hungry, I’ve walked, crutch and wrapped myself and still nothing. I’ve cried quietly to myself, feeling so unhappy and hating myself. I don’t fit in any of my clothes from last year (prior to our marriage). But here recently I’ve just said screw it! I’m done hating myself! If I’m hungry I will eat, if I’m not actually hungry I put the food down. I now only drink water unless we go out to eat then I treat myself to a wonderful Dr. Pepper, I’ve started taking iron vitamins hoping that might curve my appetite some, were I don’t always feel hungry. And believe it or not it has helped some. I removed most of the chocolate from our house, and continue to eat far less meat of any kind then I use to. I’ve lost about 5 pounds since and I seem to be keeping it off. I’m still about 10 pounds bigger then I’d like to be, but some of my clothes aren’t quite as tight anymore. I’ve still got some ways to go before I will feel like I can be seen in swimwear again. But I’m so much happier with myself now then I was even a month ago. I don’t make myself look in the mirror or weigh myself that day if I feel like I’m not doing much a great job, but when I feel like I can take a weigh in I’ll go for it. I’m 22, 5.3′ and a mother, I can be happy with myself at 110 for goodness sakes. I’m not actually overweight. I’m sure there are tons of women who would love to be 110, so there isn’t any reason for me to sit around feeling ugly and bad about myself all the time! God made me to be just the way I am, so it’s time to start embracing it.


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