Only a Failure in Your Eyes


Here is a perfect example of how nothing I ever seem to do turns out the way I planned. My whole life I’ve only seemed to screw things up. I’ve never felt good enough. I’ve always been the friend that makes bad choices, and screws up their life. From as far back as I can really remember I’ve been the damaged girl. I’m the girl whose father died at 7, the girls whose mother made all the wrong decisions in their eyes, I’m the girl who dated all the wrong guys, I’m the girl who got pregnant at 18, to the guy who everyone hated. I’m the girl who lived in government housing with good stamps and a medical card for two years. I pretty much hate all of those facts, but probably somehow they all tie in together. People have felt sorry for me and looked down on me, I’m use to it by now. Sure I want to be fresh out of college right now, in a city I love, without any ties and am only responsible for myself. But that clearly isn’t the case. While I was fighting to be free I got caught up in a bad relationship that has forever given me the responsibly of caring for someone else. My life definitely didn’t turn out the way I had hoped. But guess what I’m not surprised and neither is anyone else. Because I am that girl. I use to let it bother me. But now I’ve let it go. I no longer care if I don’t meet someone else standereds they have set for me. So I made some bad decisions, I’m not going to let that stop me from continuing to try and get to where I want to be. Sure it’s slowed me down (a lot), but I’ve never completely pulled the emergancy break and refused to go another inch in my journey. Sure I have moments where I’m jealous of other people, and I let myself wallow in the self pity of “what ifs”, but then I get ahold of myself and continue on. Because I’m human and we can only keep on a brave face for so long. So maybe I am free now. I’m free of the all the disappointment I’ve let myself feel from other people. So what if I don’t go about things the way some other people do. Does that make me any less of a person? Does that mean I couldn’t continue living my life? I fail, I fail a lot. But I always get back up and start again. If God choose me to be the person with many failures then I will wear it proudly with my head held high. And if God gave me this life to love then maybe I’m not failing at all, I’m helping to make his amazing plan play out the way he intented.


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