Previously Happy


Postpartum depression…The thing that no woman wants or wants to talk about. Why is that? Because we as mom’s will feel like we’re failing if we admit to having any such problems. I myself have kept quiet and was afraid of the same exact thing. Sure I’ll admit to sometimes wishing I was 18 and child free again, but we mom’s don’t(at least I myself) don’t really feel like I’m failing by admitting this truth. I’m a pretty open person, ask me a question and whether I want to tell you or not I’ll probably give you a truthful answer, but bring up anything to do with the postpartum subject and I’ll be the first one to quietly walk off and leave the conversation. I’m not totally sure I don’t want another baby, but when I think about everything I went through right after I had B, I’m just not sure I could make it through all of that again, and I’m pretty sure my husband would bail before week two came around. Now as I mentioned in one of my other posts, I didn’t exactly have the perfect birthing experience I was hoping for, not even close. I think it may have attributed to the way I was feeling by the time I got home, but it definitely wasn’t the real problem here. For the first two weeks post-birth the I only ate one half of a brownie snack cake at lunch time, the ONLY thing. Nothing sounded good, nothing looked good, I was starving literately. I had dropped almost 20 pounds since giving birth, but that wasn’t good enough for me, I needed to be 98 pounds again before I could look at myself again. I was falling apart. I was getting at best 3 hours asleep a day/night. B’s dad fight, yelled and cursed at me for not being the happy super mom he thought I should be at that time. After all it was my fault we had a child now right(his thinking)? I was still in a lot of pain and nothing seemed to help. I for some reason didn’t want Ron’s friend we were leaving with at the time to see me crying and unhappy. I had to get us up every morning at 7am to and have Ron to work by 8:30am. We were completely broke. I felt helpless and alone. I would take a shower, put makeup on, fix my hair and dress as well as I could, hoping that if I looked the part people wouldn’t question my dark, puffy sad eyes. I tried so hard to fake the part of the happy new mom that I felt like everyone wanted to see. I didn’t reach out for help, I just set in my bed every night crying alone. I would sometimes pickup B and hold her while crying telling her I was sorry I wasn’t a good mom, but I did love her very much. For some reason talking to a newborn at 2am made me feel just a little bit better. I often wonder when I see happy pictures of my “friends” on Facebook with there newborn’s, if their quietly suffering the way I did. I sure hope not! I want to be bold and reach out to other mom’s that might be feeling the same way, but I feel like I would fail at trying to help them anyway. Anytime I try to say the sliest thing about that time the tears start running down my face and I’m unable to speak. If you or someone you know it hurting, try to reach out and find someone that might be able to help you even feel just a little bit better. Even if that person isn’t able to, maybe just having someone to cry with will help in some way not feel so alone. Just remember God loves you!


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