Birth in the Dark

June 28th 2010 my life changed forever. That was the day I had a positive reading on a pregnancy test I had taken. I was sure how to react, or what I should do. I called B’s dad and told him I thought I was pregnant, if for no other reason I could then have someone to freak out with me. The next day after I had gotten of work I drove out to see him, I was eating cookies and had started crying right before I arrived. Needless to say the first thing he said to me was “You really are pregnant aren’t you”, we laughed for a second then I went back to crying. A few days later I started having really bad pains in the abandon. I tried not to worry but the pain just kept getting worse. I finally got in to see my doctor and she preformed an ultrasound, where she realized she couldn’t see anything on the monitor screen, other than the cyst we realized I had (which is what was causing me so much pain). I’ve never heard a room get so quieted, it was literally painful. My doctor sent me to have blood work done. She said she would call me before the weekend to let me know something. The didn’t come, so I set in my bed crying, for the pain I was having both physically and mentally. I didn’t want a child, and I no longer wanted a relationship with B’s dad. But I was also going to feel completely crushed if my baby wasn’t living or going to live. I already felt connected. I would never consider having an abortion, nor could I have given her up for adoption. The following week my doctor had finally called and said that my blood work looked good and she wanted me to come back in. Which I did, and she preformed another ultrasound, and this time we could see my baby. It turned out I wasn’t as far along as the doctor had thought, which is why we weren’t seeing anything. But I still had a cyst, and at any point she figured it would rupture and it could cause me to have a miscarriage and also hurt me as well. They couldn’t do anything to stop it with me being pregnant, so we just had to wait it out. I believe it was about a week later when it did rupture, and I was in extreme pain for about two weeks, but my baby remained completely unharmed. Then I was back to trying to figure out what I was going to do. We were completely broke. We lived with (then) fiance’s close friend, and barely had money for gas and food most weeks. I drove without car insurance for over 6 months, my manual SUV lost 2nd gear, and we ate off McDonald’s dollar menu almost every night. How in the world was I going to be able to bring a child into this world in these circumstances? At 35 weeks, I went for a routine checkup, were they realized my blood pressure was running kind of high and wanted me to come back a few days later to check it again. I returned and after checking it again it seemed to have gone down. a few days later I woke up with a pounding headache, I was dizzy and my foot were so swollen I could barely walk. I waited for my doctor’s office to open, then called and they told me to come in immediately! After some in-office tests, I was sent to the hospital. Were I was hooked up to what seemed like a thousand cords and monitors. B’s dad had left to go back to work, so I set there alone in my room, terrified and miserable, for three days. 5am on day four my doctor announced I was being induced. I slept most of that day because I was on so many medications at that point I could barely talk. I only thing I could get out was I did not want a C-Section. I needed my fiance to tell me it was going to be okay and comfort me, instead he left my room in the middle of one of my naps and didn’t come back for hours (I believe a nurse had to go track him down while they were getting ready to wheel me off for surgery). at almost 5pm I was told I hadn’t dilated past 5 cm, and my baby was starting to show signs of distress, so I was wheeled see for delivery. I could feel them cutting into me, since I had had a epidural at about 10am that morning it had long wore off. So I was quickly put to sleep. I missed her whole birth. I woke up to two nurses in recovery trying to wrap me up in a bandaged. They wouldn’t tell me if my baby was fine or anything. I was finally wheeled back to my room where my close family was waiting, they had pictures a very kind nurse had taken (since B’s dad wouldn’t). Everyone had already seen her through the nursery window. She was hooked up to an oxygen tank, and they were saying they might have to send her to NICU. I hadn’t seen her, held her or heard her yet. I felt like I was in a bad movie, where the lady’s had her baby but someones taken it away and no one is saying anything. At 5am the next morning I was woken up to a nurse telling me they were wheeling me to the nursery to see my baby, since it was finally safe for me to hold for about 10 or 15 minutes. They wheeled me in the room and over to her “bed”. I just looked at her for a minute, she was tiny and had red hair. She didn’t look anything like me or how I had pictured her. I held her for 2 or 3 minutes then passed for to her dad. I felt so confused, I was and had been so medicated I felt like I was missing some kind of connection I was suppose to have. We didn’t have a mother-daughter bond. She could have been anyone’s baby. I wasn’t awake for her birth, nor did I get to see her for the first 12-14 hours of her life. I tried to keep my distance and remain quieted about my feelings, thinking that if I said anything out loud about how I felt, I would be the worst mother ever. I didn’t feel connected to her about a month or two. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, or I felt like something was wrong with her. I just felt like someone had given me a puzzle with missing pieces, I couldn’t see the whole picture there were gaps missing. I like I missed the happiness that most woman have had, I wasn’t able to really enjoy any of the experience. It’s kind of like this quote from a favorite movie of mine. “My girlfriend always has that feeling that something’s missing. She checks her pockets, checks her purse, counts her kids, but nothing’s gone. She decided it was side effects from not going to her prom.” *Pretty in Pink*. I love my daughter more then anything! I just wanted to share my not as typical child birthing story. 

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