My Life Story/Testimony.

Often I feel that I’m just screwing everything up, marriage, parenting, work life and it seems to come in  phases. Things will be going better for awhile and then the tornado of destruction comes and knocks everything down and moves it all out of place. I try/or am forest to juggle a lot at a time, or at least it feels like a lot, I try to remind myself that compared to a lot of people I shouldn’t feel worried at all, and that’s very true, but try and tell that to a mom, wife and retail employee right after the holidays and you’ll probably get the disapproving mom face. But reminding myself of that will work for a few minutes and then I go back to throwing myself a pity party. I have had to handle one messed up situation after another since the age of 7, so will you may think of she’s only 22, and hasn’t had to deal with a lot of the tough world decision yet, she’ll get used to it and will calm back down. No, the reason it is sometimes hard for my to cope with everything that is going on in my life, is because I have had to deal with all kinds of situations my whole life, and I am tired, wore down and ready for just a little amount of time were it’s just sooth sailing. And while again I try not to throw myself a pity party because yes I know a lot of people have things WAY worse than I do, I am still tired and drained from this roller coaster I’ve been on for way to long… I have lived throw a parents death, 2 step-dads(one of which who was verbally abusive), moving 5 times in 3 years, having a child at 19, living on my own as a single mom for almost 3 years while mostly financially supporting she and I, and countless health problems throw in through out all of those other fun life experiences, and you can see why I may be a little wore out, and I may be critical, and I may complain a lot. I am aware of this, but sometimes it just catches up with you and you can’t control it. I had to mostly grow up and take care of myself at the age of 12, I did not financially support myself at that point but I was made fully aware of our financial problems enough to where it would keep my awake at night. I felt like I was robe of my childhood and forest in to adulthood way before I would have liked to even be aware of what broke really meant. By 16 I had suffered a break up from my first real boyfriend, dropped out of ballet, gained a eating disorder, and was working part-time at the Dairy Queen, soon to follow was a very rough 6 months full of anger, helplessness, self-mutation, aggression, more doctors appointment, to which they had no idea how to treat me, because I obviously wasn’t going to walk into the doctors office and explain that I had just had a very scaring 10 year of my life and had reached the point of breaking, I screamed, cried, broke things, called people names, and I was very rude (yes, it can be worse than it is now). But I was also 16 and people just thought it was the normal teenage rebellion, and yes some of it probably was, but most of it was probably the built up anger, hurt and frustration I had acquired over the course of my childhood. Before I had even had my drivers license 2 months, I had already moved out of my moms place and back to our old house we had grow up in with my sister. I worked part-time at Rural King and was on a unintentional journey to breaking guys hearts I had or was dating at the time. I’m guessing because I had been hurt by so many other people I wasn’t sure how to do anything else. Then right before I turned 17 then entered B’s dad, whom I had met while working at Rural King. I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking, other than he had been hurt a lot through he life time as well, and had lost a parent fairly young as well. So we had somewhat of a bond, and I really think we could have been good friends, that’s all that should have stayed. We had a off again on again relationship until I find out I was pregnant late June of 2010, at which point we stayed together until B was about 5 months old, then she and I moved into our own place, and I called mine and he’s relationship off for good. Anything after that point was just me trying to juggle working, dating and all the struggles of life as a single mom. I tried to not let any of those things seep in and bother me or hurt me, but now the older I get the more I see how things did effect me and what causes me to act the way I do now. I now have cried more over the last 6 months, then I did the last almost 10 years before that, I let things get to me way easier than I ever have. It almost feels like I’m going backwards at this point instead of forwards. But out of all these things I’ve been through good and bad I know that’s God’s got my back. There were more than a few times, I didn’t know if I was going to have anything to eat that day, if I was going to have enough gas to get to work, if I was going to have enough strength to do everything on my own. But I did, because I wasn’t doing it on my own, God was trying to show me I needed to trust in him and not worry about all the what if’s, he has been I my shoulder to cry on (figuratively speaking of course), I have felt his presence dare in times when I would feel totally alone. He has given me great friend who have stood by my side and helped me through some rough times, and I couldn’t thank them enough. I daughter is about to turn 3 and it just blows my mind that we’ve made it this far, because trust me almost every step of the way has been a challenge. I’m still going through a lot and my life is far from perfect, but I am constantly trying to reminded myself that God is in control, and I can’t change anything by crying and worrying about things. I believe he has a plan and reason for why everything that has happened in my life, has happened. This was way more then I had thought I was going to type, but I guess I needed to get all that off my chest. Every time I feel like I’m going to explode I try and just start praying to matter where I am or what I’m doing, and sometimes that calms me down, and other times it doesn’t, and I “pop”. But then I calm down and try to learn from it. God is in control, don’t loose faith, gained a never-ending amount of it!

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