Depression Made Me Do It

I spent years taking medications that I thought were helping me get through my days. I thought the side effects warning that they could alter your way of thinking was like the other warning saying it could cause you to see spots and make your left knee hurt. We all hear to watch out for side effects but most of us ignore all the fine print unless we notice something off. I assumed I would know if I started feeling completely different. I thought because I hadn’t started doing heroin and punching holes in our walls I was fine. I didn’t noticed when I start doing things out of character. I would sometimes have a fleeting thought of why did I just do or say that, but then I just made a mental note to try and not let it happen again.  It was a fairly gradual process, losing myself. I didn’t notice until months after I stopped the medication I had been on for several years. I slowly started realizing I didn’t recognize the life I had been living(who’s fault was this? Who would do that?). I had no idea how I’d got here. I can’t even imagine myself behaving the way I did even if I had been drugged and hit in the head with a brick. My memories are so strange, I see them both as through my eyes but also as if I’m standing off to the side and viewing them from afar. I really hate myself a lot of the time. I buried us almost $40,000 in debt, I lost a job, I made lasting cracks in the foundation of my marriage and I had made unhealthy friendships while pushing healthy ones away. I feel like I’ll never completely climb out of the hole I dug. I want so badly to be able to wipe away the pain I caused and mistake that continue to drag our family down.

I so wish there was a were resources in place for this. I wish I could call the debtors and tell them it wasn’t me who made all purchases and withdraws. I wish I could tell my husband I had amnesia. But sadly it was me.


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Don’t Eat the Apple

If there is a God I can’t imagine he would allow or cause all heartache and struggle in this world.

I grew up in a Christian home, going to church 3 or more times a week. I was “saved” and baptized at 8. I never doubted that God loves me.

When my father passed away I never doubted, when my mother married a verbally abusive drug addict I never doubted. When there wasn’t food on the table I never doubted.

When I spent days, weeks and months in bed afraid to leave my house and wanting to die I never doubted.

But after I’ve spent nearly two years struggling every single day I’m done.

I can’t believe in a God who would cause or allow me to feel the day I do. Day in and day out. I haven’t gone a day in years that I’m not fearful, depressed or angry. My children have a mom who can barely take care of herself most days. I have to see their disappointed when I can’t be the mom they want me to be, when them just being kids is frustrating to me. When I spend afternoons in tears and I can’t explain why. When I spent most of my early adulthood taking medications that should’ve helped but instead altered my way of thinking and I now have to deal with the repercussions.

I always thought it had to be part of God’s plan, all the heartache, loneliness and struggle was for a reason. One day it would all become clear.

But clearly I’m going to keep waking up and struggle to just be me.

No one can tell me there’s a reason for all of this.

God doesn’t love me, no one who loves you would let you feel like you’re tortured every single day.

I can’t imagine killing someone’s father, letting someone abuse you, let you struggle financially your whole life, give someone’s children a crappy childhood and make you want to die and have anyone tell you that person loves you.

An Ugly Truth

The memories I have of my father as fading, but I do still remember running into the living room to find him lay on the couch. It wasn’t just once or twice but day after day, week after week. I know that’s not how he’d want me to remember him, but non the less the memory is there. I am deeply saddened to think that is also how my own kids will remember me and their childhood. They didn’t ask for this. They didn’t ask to spend most of their days at home. They don’t want a mother who’s constantly laying down on the couch or in bed. They don’t want me to be withdrawn from life. My own mother was there to entertain us and was there to try and hide our father’s mental illness from us as small children. But I am the mother. I’m supposed to be the comforter, the one hiding the ugliness of the world and this illness from them. I know they can see that I’m different from other moms. I don’t volunteer for things at school, I don’t invite their friends over, I don’t make hearty meals or take them to story hours at our library. We don’t play board games after dinner or take weekend trips. If I do manage to take them to do something fun, I think they can see how miserable I am. Why did I create a world of hurt for them? I was like this long before I birthed them. I feel so selfish for bringing them even more pain than this world already will. I love them so deeply, but my love for them won’t take the ugliness of this illness away just like my fathers love for me didn’t take my heartache away. Each day that I get up and face the world is a huge accomplishment for me, but I don’t think they’ll see that just as most don’t. I can’t apologize for who I am. No one should have to. I’ve never been angry with my dad for bringing me into this world. I think my best hope is that my children won’t be angry with me either.

I Can See You

Can you see the pain in someone’s eyes from just one look? Can you feel the pain in their silence? Do you feel the pull of someone’s desire to be loved?

I can spot it right off the bat.

I usually feel like I’m failing at life and am often wallowing in self pity and/or misery. But even just walking by someone I can feel their pain. I feel a pull towards them. I often find myself staring at them looking for something to confirm my feeling is right(and it often is). I want so bad to be able to come right out and comfort them. If someone did that for me on my bad days maybe I would have fewer. I spend most of my days feel torn, anxious and broken. I hating my brain and mad this is the mind and body I was given. But then I see someone also struggling and know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only one angry I have to be around people, I’m not the only one scared to speak up, I’m not the only one checking there phone hoping someone has reached out, I’m not the only one plagued by silence. I see it happening all around me all the time.

My dream is to be able to help others struggling the way I am and have in the past. I would’ve gave anything to have just one person be there for me the way I want to be there for others. I don’t need them to say or do much just need them to reach out. I want to give these people a place to go. We don’t need a place to check into for 30 days, a place hundreds of miles away for hundreds and thousands of dollars. We don’t need group circles, sitting in uncomfortable chairs. We don’t need people watching our every move thinking we’re going to off ourselves using a hair brush. Because guess what If we want to die, taking everything away everything from us we actually like in life isn’t going to make it better.


I want a space, I want comfort, I want the freedom to show how I really feel, I want people overlook my awkwardness and trust that I can understand them and that I have their back.

I don’t want to spend years in school then working for an organization that still isn’t helping people. I don’t need a degree to understand someone, I don’t need a degree to save someone from offing themselves.

I need an opportunity. I will make a place for these people, my people.

Knock Twice

It all began with him said “I love her” in the loudest voice that had ever been used in our house. He took the knob off my door and and watched as I fearfully got dressed. He said I was disrespectful and wasn’t too old to get a spanking then he slid his hand down my back. He told me I should sit in the front seat with him. He held my leg tightly, he knew I wanted to run. If any skin was exposed he would point out each part that was showing. I was often encouraged to show more. He would ask my mom why I wasn’t allowed to wear tighter or skimpier clothes. I no longer had a safe place to call home. I no longer wanted to female. I still have the scars left from the blade I drove into my body when I was trying to forget. I can’t forget, I will never forget.

The Year That Almost Wasn’t

It’s New Years Eve, which means we take this time to look back at the past year, make resolutions and celebrate. This year I find myself having great rumination. This New Years marks a type of anniversary for me. My depression and anxiety had hit an extreme low(or high depending on how you look at it). I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I was hit with such a “force” I could no longer remain standing and act as though I was fine. I couldn’t stop the panic, I couldn’t stop the fear, I couldn’t stop the need to escape.  I shut myself in our dark bedroom alone and tried to block out the overwhelming fear of simply being alive. Every minute that went by felt like hours. The fear had to leave or I did. At that point I realized the fear was stronger than I was. I slipped my shoes on, grab my keys and left our house. I didn’t say a word to my husband or our children(who were downstairs). I drove straight to our hospital and signed myself in. I didn’t know what to tell them, I had no idea how to explain myself. How do you tell someone you want to kill yourself but you don’t want to die. I don’t really remember what I said. I’m sure I was looked down upon, viewed as weak and/or completely crazy, but that didn’t change anything. I needed help. I hate asking for help. I hate needing help. But that night I knew I had to look people in the eyes and tell them I was breaking/broken. While I was in a room in the ER with a security guard beside bed, I suddenly felt like I was a little girl. I wasn’t allowed to be alone, to make my own decisions, to have a job, to have a family. I had to stay there until an “adult” said so. While I was running a million thoughts through my head the security guard started trying to make small talk, he asked me about my family so I asked about his. He answered back with routine answers. He got quiet then said he son had past away a few years ago. I remembered thinking how odd it was for him to just come out and say that, especially conditioning he was only sitting next to me to make sure I didn’t try to kill myself. As I think about it now, I suppose he thought I might understand his hurt. I most likely wouldn’t judge him and I was forced to sit next to him no matter how bad his story got. I can’t exactly what my reply was but it was something about how I knew what it was like to lose someone. Again he got quiet. A minute or so had past before I was realized he was crying. Tears were coming down his face, hitting his jacket. But he wasn’t moving, not his body, not his expression. He finally let out a loud breath, stood up and walked just outside my door. When he came back he had dried his tears but I could still see that pain on his face. I talked with him for probably close to an hour before they take me to a room. I don’t think I’ll never forget that interaction. I realized how much pain can connect people, if only for a short time. I no longer felt like a child. I wasn’t hiding behind my fears, I was looking them head-on.


I spent three days in the hospital, eating my meals at scheduled times, calling my family on a shared land-line, bra-less in scrubs, watching our first(and only) snow that winter fall, coloring, building puzzles with missing pieces. There were people of all ages, color and stages of their lives. They were all at different levels of stable. I talked with several people who were similar to me. We didn’t want to die but we couldn’t live either.


On the third day I was discharged. I got dressed, walked to my car and drove home. I went right back to the life I had temporally left. I wasn’t cured, the medicine they changed me to didn’t work, the thoughts didn’t leave. The only thing that had changed was the fact that I realized I had to take care of myself. If I needed time to myself I had to take it, if I needed help I had to ask, If I was scared it was okay if I admitted it.


I spent months calling doctors and our insurance company, going to appointments and trying different medications. I spent months mostly at home, rarely driving, asking friends and family to come sit with me so I wasn’t “alone”. I took care of our kids and house, I spent my alone time crying and fearing I would get worse.


Finally in April(after a cheek swab) we found a medication that actually(somewhat) works. I started getting out more, driving more, starting projects around the house and working part-time. The fears got less and less overwhelming. I was realizing I hadn’t actually been “myself” in a long time. I didn’t think the same way, I didn’t react in the same ways. The person I had been wasn’t really me. It was who the wrong medication had me out to be. I was slowly being altered, becoming less and less of who I really am. I honestly don’t even recognize the person I was a lot of the time.


I still have really bad days and weeks. I still get crippled by fear. But I don’t dismiss it. If it sticks around I call my doctor, I tell someone. I don’t let it go and assume it’ll go away on it’s own.


I don’t want to post this. I don’t want anyone to think any less of me, view me as any less capable, think I’m weak and/or crazy. But this is me. This has been my life this past year. I’m not setting resolutions for myself, I’m not trying to start over, I’m not thinking my 2017 problems will be wiped away in just a few short hours. I am sitting thinking how far away the end of this year seemed from the beginning of it. I’m thinking about the fact that I almost didn’t make it to 2018.

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Arrived at a hotel knowing I had to fake that my husband and I were still together for appearances. Upon entering the building someone came up to me and told me he had already been telling people we weren't together and was trying to find someone to be his "date". I stayed for family. He avoided me the whole time. After the ceremony we went to the reception, he talked to me and we danced. He then yelled at me in front of everyone asking "why didn't you buy me nicer shoes for this" and stormed off. I went outside to watch fireworks with everyone then went out found my room at the hotel. When I woke up and went to checkout of my room my family/friends were down there. One of them informed me my husband had a girl stay in his room. I went to find his room, he was alone at the time, but I could see someone else had been there. I didn't say anything. I didn't have too. He just looked at me for a long minute. He grabbed my hand and lead me to bed, pulled me down and started kissing me. I pushed him off and walked out. I left the hotel and went to sit in the courtyard out front. He came and seat down with me. Neither of us said anything for a long time. He told me he was sorry he acted the way he had the night before, then left. I knew I didn't want to hold onto whatever we had once anymore.

The Disconnect

When I was little I use to climb up in my dads lap when he was reading something and say “aren’t I prettier than what you’re reading”, hoping he would put it down and pay attention to me(before he passed away). 20 years later I still often feel the urge to do the same thing(slightly less dramatic of course). I find myself watching the man I love pour all of his attention into news, reviews, games, anything really. I watch him staring at a screen thinking if only I could catch his attention the way our depressing world does. What is worse is that it’s not just happening to me, I also have to watch him ignore our children as well. I am gentility of having my phone glued to my hand a lot of the time as well, but I try not to turn my full attention to it or I’ll put it down and focus on them some too. I am in no way free from the addiction to technology that most of us now “suffer” from. It’s simply painful to feel like you have to compete the latest CNN update. I don’t need someone to stop what they’re doing and tell me I’m pretty(although, sure that’s be great too), I just need to feel like I’m connected to someone and not that they are connect to everything in the world except me and our family.

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